Please note there are other parodies online, but I wrote this one as an homage to Miss Cleolinda. Please also note the other scripts are much more liberal with their language than I.
For everyone reading this on Facebook, the blog posting has some links that make it easier to understand.
Somewhere in space aboard the USS Kelvin. Yeah, I never heard of it either
[Radio Conversation heard instead of the random screaming of the people running around like doomed passengers.]
Radio person 1: OMG! A lightning storm in space?
Radio person 2: Yah! At first we thought it was just lens flares, but then this huge thing is coming out of it and it's trying to kill us with guns, even though they could just ram us and they wouldn't even notice we're here because it's 100 times bigger than us!
USS Kelvin Bridge
Important looking person: Captain, our shields are down!
Captain Red Shirt: I kind of guessed that from the status update on our much cooler view screen than any of the other previous Star Trek ships, but thanks anyway!
[shots stop]
Big Tumbleweed ship: We request you send over your captain for tea and death, I mean, crumpets.
CRS: K.
[Lens flare]
ILP: Sir, I think it's a trap!
[Lens flare]
CRS: Maybe, but if I don't make it back, evacuate the ship. You're in charge 1st officer Kirk.
[Lens flare]
Trekkies/ers: KIRK?! That's not Chris Pine, maybe this is some kind of parallel dimension, or...
Normal people: Are you going to be like this throughout the whole movie?
Trekkies/ers who have been glued to the internet since there was a hint this movie was going to be made: Relax! He's Kirk's dad. He saves him, and he's only at the post for 12 minutes, because the Captain is going to come back and save the day.
Aboard Big Tumbleweed ship
[Captain Red Shirt is taken to their bridge amid lens flares.]
Kelvin officer monitoring the captain's every bodily function, except for what he's seeing and hearing: His heart rate is elevated. Must be reactions to the lens flares.
Trekkies/ers: VITALS?!? That is so crazy cool!
Normal people: Why didn't they just embed a video camera on him?
Trekkies/ers: BLASPHEMY!
Big Tumbleweed Ship Crewman: Hey, 'sup Captain from another ship? This is my Captain, he goes by Nero. My advice, don't tick him off. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.
CRS: He's calm right now? Oh boy...
Big Tumbleweed Ship Crewman shows CRS a hologram of a crazy ship: You've seen this ship?
CRS: Never seen that before.
Insane fans: Looks like something from Babylon 5. Kind of like how that big tumbleweed ship looks like a Shadow vessel.
Trekkies/ers: HERESY!
BTSC: How about Spock? You know him, right?
CRS: Uh... no?
BTSC: What's the stardate?
CRS: It's... today?
Nero sees this is getting nowhere and gives the captain the Red Shirt treatment.
Nero: STAB AT THEE!
Back aboard USS Kelvin
Med monitor: Captain is dead! New Captain Kirk, what do we do?
[Lens flare]
Captain Kirk: FIRE! Oh, and Everyone evacuate the ship!
[Lens flare]
Crewman: Don't you mean, “Abandon ship?”
Captain Kirk: HE SAID TO EVACUATE! SO EVACUATE! Especially my wife who is about to give birth to the main character.
Trekkies/ers: Wha? He's not...
Captain Kirk: No, I'm George.
Normal people: Just watch the movie please...
J.J. Abrams: Yes, I made it so that everyone would enjoy AND UNDERSTAND IT.
Shuttle pilot: Sir, we're waiting for you here with your wife.
George Kirk: No, I have to stay behind because these automatic computer functions don't work when the computer has been shot to pieces!
(Please note: I make light of this next bit, but I was bawling my eyes out)
George Kirk: Guns are down, shields are down, but everyone is away! Time for RAMMING SPEED!
[Baby cry over speakers]
Mrs. Kirk: It's a boy! We never thought of a name for the baby up until this point, so what should we name him? I know, we'll name him after your father!
George Kirk: Tiberius?!? Uh... no. Your dad's name is good.
Mrs. Kirk: Jim? Jim Kirk... K.
George Kirk: Love you-
BOOM! Ship explodes like a zit on a skinny teenager as the shuttle crafts zoom away, and the big scary ship does not bother giving chase.
CRAZY LENS FLARE OPENING SEQUENCE
IOWA – nowhere specifically, just IOWA
[Little bratty pre-teen zooms down some dust covered road in an impressive hard top convertible.]
Voice on 23rd Century Product Placement: Don't scratch my car, you little-
Brat: Whatever. [hangs up]
[Not only is there Product Placement in the 23rd Century, there is also still Beastie Boys, as demonstrated by Brat who cranks Sabotage as he careens down the road.]
Normal people: This is so much more awesome than the trailer!
[Lens flare filled car chase. Brat narrowly escapes death via dramatic cliffhanging scene #1.]
Robocop: What is your name?
Lens flare
Brat: James Tiberius Kirk!
Lens flare
Normal people: Weird. That was almost exactly like the trailer...
VULCAN – again, nowhere specifically, just VULCAN
[Vulcan kids brain up in computerized knowledge craters and spit out lots of math equations. Lessons end and bullying ensues.]
Vulcan bullies [deadpan]: Spock. We are going to get an emotional response from you, even though we have failed 34 times previously, because our logical minds are purer than your
Little Spock: ...
Vulcan Bullies: Maybe you just need a push in the right direction. [shoves Little Spock]
Little Spock: ...
Vulcan Bullies: Your mother's a whore.
Little Spock: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
[Lens flare]
Sarek: You need to control yourself more.
[Lens flare]
Little Spock: Why did you marry
Sarek:
The Lens Flare – Hick Bar, Iowa
Kirk has grown into an arrogant jerk played for the rest of the movie by Chris Pine.
Hot Girl: Booze me.
Kirk: Booze me and have her pay for it.
Hot Girl: Jerk.
Kirk: My name's actually pronounced Kirk. Jim Kirk. What's your name?
[Lens flare]
Normal Person 1: Hey, this gives me an idea. Lens flare shots!
Normal Person 2: DUDE!
Hot girl: Ohura.
Kirk: That's it?
Hot Girl: Doesn't really matter, because I'm too smart for you, since I'm a xenolinguist, and you have no idea what that means.
[Lens flare]
NPs: SHOT!
Kirk: I know that means you're good with your tongue. [Wink]
Big Cadet: I'm gonna beat you down for getting overly friendly with that hot cadet!
Kirk: You and what army, cupcake?
Cupcake: Me and the three guys behind me!
Kirk: Only four? Not fair to you.
Lens flares for each punch landed NPs: SHOT!
[Officer whistles and gets everyone out so he and bloodied Kirk can have a sit down and drink the bar dry.]
Kirk: Who are you?
Pike: I'm Christopher Pike.
Kirk: I thought that was me.
Pike: PIKE! P. I. K. E.
Kirk: Oh, right. Refill please! My eyes still hurt from all those lens flares!
Pike: Anyway kid, you should really join Starfleet because we need more reckless jerks who like to get their butts handed to them and drink like fish, who at the same time have a genius mind. Kind of like your dad.
Kirk: Whatever.
Back on Vulcan
Little Spock has grown up to be Sylar and is standing before a council to see if he got into the Vulcan equivalent of MIT.
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
Council: You're super smart despite your disadvantage. We want you in our club.
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
Sylar Spock: Nice! Wait. What disadvantage?
Council: Your mom.
Sylar Spock: Live long and suck it! I'm going to Starfleet.
Shuttlecraft going to Starfleet Academy
Pike: So you decided to walk the four year walk?
Kirk: Three years.
[One smashed head later, to help the hangover, Kirk finds a seat with a logic puzzle seatbelt]
Kirk: Hey Cupcake!
Cupcake: [Grunt]
Crazy guy who kind of sounds like Deforrest Kelly, but is not: Don't touch me! I'm a doctor, not a piece of baggage! [Sits down beside Kirk]
Kirk: Hey.
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
Crazy: 'Hey,' yourself! We're going to die because we're going into space! I hate space! I hate flying! I'm going to puke on you!
Kirk: Umm... We're going to be working in space...
Crazy: I know. This is all I got though, because my ex-wife took everything but my bones. And booze. Drink?
Kirk: I like you, 'Bones.'
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
Three years later – IN SPACE
Tumbleweed ship crewman: Cap'n, it's been 25 years that we've been aimlessly plotting revenge. You sure this is the right place?
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
Nero: Remember that stabbity death 25 years ago?
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
Tumbleweed ship crewman: Shutting up.
[Babylon 5 inspired ship comes out of weird lightning storm. Lens Flare] SHOT!
Nero: There it is. Get it!
Trekkies/ers: WTF?
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
[Note: From this point forward, I will try not to mention lens flares as much. Just take a shot every other line. Very seriously, there are a LOT of lens flares in the movie.]
Starfleet Academy
Kirk: I'm taking the test again!
McCoy: What? Why?
Kirk: And you're going to be there with me!
McCoy: To watch you fail for the third time? This is screwy. Even for you!
Kirk: Well, off to study. [leaves]
McCoy: I wonder how many STDs he has at this point?
Seduction 369
Green skinned humanoid hottie: I think I love you.
Kirk: Cool!
GSHH: Jerk!
Kirk: No, it's Kirk.
[Footsteps]
GSHH: My roommate! I promised her no more guys. You gotta hide!
Kirk: WHAT?!? [Thump to the floor]
Ohura, GSHH's roomie: Found and translated a Klingon Transmission, because I'm super smart.
Trekkies/ers: Then how come she's so confused in Star Trek VI when they are trying to pose as a Klingon supply ship?
[Ohura strips down to skivvies for no apparent reason other than to get the nerds to shut up.]
Ohura: I hear heavy breathing.
GSHH: I think that's the fan boys watching the movie.
Ohura: No, it's coming from the floor behind your bed.
Kirk: HEY!
Ohura: GET OUT!
Kirk: I'll see you at the test!
Ohura: You're doing that again?
Kirk: You still haven't told me your name.
Ohura: You just don't give up, do you?
Kobe-ashi Maru test (aka the “j0 d34d f00” test)
Ohura: 'Captain,' we're going to frakking die.
McCoy: 'Captain,' this is stupid.
Kirk: Whatever. [pulls out apple, starts eating]
Helm: 'Captain,' Klingons are about to hand our collective butts to us.
Kirk: Cool. [munch munch]
Crewman: Aren't we going to do anything?
Kirk: Sorry, what?
[Simulation crashes as it tried to switch to the screen saver due to lack of input. Might have been running on Windows.]
[System restarts.]
Kirk: Kill 'em all! Rescue the ship! Booyeah!
Sylar Spock: WTF?!? I want his brain!
Starfleet disciplinary council held on account that Spock doesn't like to lose
Kirk: What did I do wrong?
Sylar Spock: You haxx0red my l33t code!
Kirk: Whatever.
Sylar Spock: You must face fear!
Kirk: Nuh-uh!
Sylar Spock: Yah-huh!
Kirk: Nuh-uh!
Sylar Spock: Yah-huh!
Kirk: Nuh-uh!
Sylar Spock: Yah-huh!
Council: OH CWAP! VUWCAN IS IN TWUBBLE! We are going to deploy all cadets to the field in the vain hope that we will be able to help them!
Sylar Spock: ... (inside: meep...)
[Sylar Spock and McCoy are assigned to the Enterprise, while Ohura is assigned on the USS Not-the-Enterprise, and Kirk is told to screw off because he is haxx0r.]
[Ohura corners Sylar Spock.]
Ohura: Put me on the Enterprise!
Sylar Spock: K.
[McCoy is about to ditch the main character and forever change the course of the movie and the franchise when he gets a change of heart and decides to help his buddy.]
McCoy: I'll help you out by giving an alien virus.
Kirk: I'm gonna die!
McCoy: You can thank me later.
[McCoy hauls the disoriented Kirk over to the Shuttle craft leaving for the Enterprise]
Shuttlecraft techie: It's haxx0r Kirk! He can't go.
McCoy: He's with me.
Shuttlecraft techie: Oh, okay.
Bridge of shiny new Enterprise
Pike: Course for Vulcan. Punch it!
Sulu: Aye. ... We're not moving...
Pike: Did you leave the parking brake on?
Sulu: Heh heh. No...
Sylar Spock: [asks the same question in techno jargon]
Sulu: Oh yeah. [Releases 'parking brake,' then goes to warp]
Pike: Comm?
Chekov: E-ess?
Pike: Tell the ship what's going on.
Chekov: U shoore eh-bout that, Cepten? U heve nicer woahce.
Pike: No, I like your funny accent.
[Chekov mangles the English, but manages to inform the crew that they are heading for a space lightning storm.]
Sick Bay
[Kirk hears mention of a Space Lightning storm.]
Kirk: SPACE LIGHTNING! DADDY!
McCoy: Oh, good. You're alive. Let me try to
Kirk: MY HANDS!
McCoy: I can fix that.
Kirk: MAH TONG!
McCoy: Dammit Jim, hold still! I'm just trying to
[First of many Benny Hill-esque chases, as Kirk runs to find Ohura with McCoy following]
Kirk: Wemembew dat twansmissun u wuw tawking to ur woomate about when u wuw both in u undewaiw?
Ohura: Jerk!
Kirk: Ith Kuwk. Wath it Womuluns?
Ohura: Womu...
Kirk: Womuluns!
Ohura: Yes!
Kirk: CWAP!
[Kirk, McCoy, and Ohura all rush to the bridge in the spirit of Benny Hill]
Kirk: Captain Pike! We're going to die! Ohura, back me up!
Ohura: Um... Yeah, he's right.
Pike: Shields up! Red Alert! Cue the lens flares!
Orbit around Vulcan
[Looks like Sulu's whoops moment paid off, because every single ship that came before them has been blown to bits. Some chunkier than others.]
Kirk: That green girl I almost got with was on any one of these ships! Eh, whatever.
Space Tumbleweed ship
Crewman: Hey, look! How'd we miss that one?
Nero: I dunno. Blow it up. [Sees it's the Enterprise] WAIT! Hail them.
Crewman: Huh?
Nero: [Makes his stabbing staff give off a lens flare]
Crewman: YessirrightawaysirsorryIdoubtedyousirpleasedon'tkillmesir.
Pike: I'm Captain Christopher Pike of the...
Nero: 'Sup Chris? I'm Nero. Hey, could I talk with Spock?
Sylar Spock: Who are you?
Nero: I HATE YOU! Send your Captain over so I can keel him! I mean... negotiate. Civilly.
Pike: K.
Sylar Spock: Sir, I think this could be a trap.
Pike: Oh, ya think? I was going to bring chips and dip! Wait, no I wasn't. I need some fightin' folk. [Private Red shirt and Sulu volunteer] Good. Kirk, you're coming too.
Kirk: Whatever.
Pike: Spock, let's take a walk.
[Very un-Benny Hill-esque walk to the shuttle craft. This ship is really frakking big!]
Pike: Here's how we're going to do this. Sulu, Kirk, and Red Shirt are going to dive down to the drill that is making a huge hole in Vulcan, take it out of commission and then beam back to the ship. Please note that we won't have any contact because of the bad karma coming from the drill. And Spock, you're Captain.
Kirk: This sucks.
Sylar Spock: This is awesome!
Pike: And I'm promoting Kirk to 1st officer.
Kirk: Woot!
Sylar Spock: Say what?
Pike: I'm probably going to die, but try to rescue me so I don't.
[Sulu, Kirk, and Red Shirt do a crazy sky dive down to a WCB nightmare where Red Shirt offs himself, Sulu whips out a collapsible phallic symbol, and Kirk finds himself in cliffhanger scene #2, all done amoung enough lens flares to empty a gallon of schnapps playing 'Lens flare shots.']
[One attacker gets killed in a workplace accident by stepping over a 10 foot high flame, while the second attacker meets his death somewhere on the surface of Vulcan after Sulu stabs him. At this point, Kirk and Sulu realize Red Shirt had the blast charges they were going to use to neutralize the drill.]
Kirk: Let's use the guns our attackers left behind!
Sulu: Lock and load!
[After the transporter is brought online, the tech operating the transporter tells them to stand still, because in her training for operating the unit, they forgot to teach her basic physics.]
Sulu: Man, I could go for some White Castle right now.
Kirk: Just wait until we get back to the ship!
Sulu: I'll just be a minute!
Kirk: We are on the wrong planet, 10,000 feet above the surface of said wrong planet, and there is no fence to prevent you from falling to your death!
Sulu: [falls over edge of platform] WHITE CASTLE!
Kirk: I was afraid of that.
[Kirk jumps after Sulu and catches him mid-fall.]
Kirk: Pull my chute!
Sulu: You're not my type!
[Chute deploys, then rips out of the backpack.]
Kirk: We're all equipped with one-man chutes, aren't we.
Transporter tech: I can't lock on! Why won't they stay still? Can't they just stop falling at a constant rate of 9.81 m/s2?
Chekov: I kin du eet! Kompensete foor grevity oond thee eh-mount off tyme hi need tu run tu transportear room ehnd BEHM! They beck!
Sylar Spock: Beam me down to the surface so I can save the History of my people, and
Kirk: You have issues.
Sylar Spock: You would too if your homeworld was about to collapse in on itself.
Kirk: Touché.
Vulcan, or rather what's left of it
[Sylar finds the Elders in a prayer circle attempting to hold the planet together with the power of faith and lens flares.]
Sylar Spock: We need to get out of here because it's logical!
Elders: Can't argue with logic.
[A number of Vulcan Elders get crushed like ants underneath the stone statues that would dwarf anything found in the mines of Moria, including the Balrog.]
Sylar Spock: Ok, we should be safe on this collapsing precipice. Everyone stay absolutely still, and the Enterprise will beam us aboard.
Trekkies/ers: Oh, this is going to be cool. They're going to be transported right as the platform collapses, and you'll see their outlines hanging in midair.
Sylar Spock: [looks worried]
Trekkies/ers: Typical.
[Transporter fields start forming]
Trekkies/ers: Ha! See! They're going to be fine.
[Precipice collapses underneath Winona Ryder...]
Trekkies/ers: Here comes the outline-nick-of-time moment...
[and she drops to her death, since transporter beams cannot take surprises very well.]
Trekkies/ers: ...
Normal people: Finally, they shut up!
Trekkies/ers: meep...
Normal people: Spoke too soon.
Shiny bridge of the Enterprise
[Sylar Spock gets back to the bridge just in time to see his homeworld collapse in on itself and disappear.]
Trekkies/ers: But they're going to fix that, right?
[The planet disappears from EXISTENCE.]
Trekkies/ers: meep...
Sylar Spock: Looks like Nero and his Tumbleweed craft are heading to Earth. They'll do the same thing there. We need to regroup with the Fleet and prevent this calamity from happening.
Kirk: No. We need to chase down the Tumbleweed, save the captain, and blow up the Tumbleweed before it reaches Earth!
Sylar Spock: Nuh-uh.
Kirk: Yah-huh!
Sylar Spock: Nuh-uh.
Kirk: Yah-huh!
Sylar Spock: Nuh-uh.
Kirk: Yah-huh!
Sylar Spock: [Gives Kirk Vulcan neck pinch] Get him off the ship!
Trekkies/ers: Wha?
Tumbleweed Ship
Nero: Planet, wife, GONE! Give me codes so I can destroy your planet and you can feel my pain!
Pike: Um... no.
Nero: [gets out freaky black scorpion-looking thing] You're going to help us
Ice crater,
Kirk: Where am I?
Ditch-annoying-people Pod computer: You are 14km from the middle of nowhere. Please wait here and freeze to death.
Kirk: Whatever.
[Kirk bundles up and heads off towards the middle of nowhere.]
Kirk, speaking into recorder: Kirk's log – Spock's a douche. Just makes me want to...
Noise off in distance: ROOOOAAARRR!
Kirk: That was a little too coincidental to be good.
[Huge creature heads at Kirk]
Kirk: ZOMGWTFBBQ!
[Huge creature almost catches Kirk, but is snatched up and eaten by a BIGGER monster]
Kirk: I think I'll keep with my brilliant strategy of running away really fast. Oh, hey! A cave!
[Creature chases Kirk into cave]
Kirk: No fair!
[Deus Ex Machina enters]
Deus Ex Machina person: FLAMING STICK!
Creature: Whatever. I know where you live now.
Deus Ex Machina person reveals himself to be Nimoy Spock.
Nimoy Spock: Hey buddy!
Kirk: Huh?
Nimoy Spock: It's me! Spock!
Kirk: But ... you hate me.
Nimoy Spock: Yeah, but I'm from the future.
Kirk: ... I don't get it.
Nimoy Spock: Screw it, I'll just do a mind meld.
Mind Meld Land
Nimoy Spock: I'm from the future where there's a star that's going to blow up and destroy Romulus, and I was going to use this really fast ship with Red Matter, and we were going to make the star collapse on itself and everything was going to be fine, but it wasn't, and Romulus got destroyed, and Nero is now an angsty SOB who blames me for failing in saving his world and his pregnant wife, and he plans to destroy all the planets in the Federation using the same stuff that I was going to save his planet with.
Back at the Ice Ranch
Kirk: WAAAAHHH! My planet just died, and I killed Nero's planet, and now he wants to kill my planet! Uh... Who am I?
Nimoy Spock: Just walk it off, you'll be fine.
Starpost - Middle of Nowhere
Scotty of the dead: You got pizza?
Nimoy Spock: Hey Scotty!
Scotty: Who the hell are you?
Nimoy: You got your crazy theories working?
Scotty: Just about, until I tried beaming Scott Bakula's dog to Mars. No one knows where, or if, that pup rematerialized actually.
Nimoy: Sucky. Anyway, this is the right way to do it.
Scotty: Are you sure this is the right thing to do?
Nimoy: Sure! You wrote it after all.
Scotty: I did? Hey, I guess I did! Now we can beam ourselves outta here!
Kirk: You coming Spock?
Nimoy Spock: I'm already there.
Kirk: Yes, and maybe you can talk some sense into yourself.
Nimoy Spock: No, besides, you are the one who controls what happens in this alternate universe. Have fun! Just remember that in order to become Captain, you need to prove to everyone that I'm unfit for command by making me fly into a rage.
Kirk: How?
Nimoy Spock: Prey upon the weak things in my psyche (like the fact that my home planet just got decimated) and shatter my logic filled state.
Kirk: I don't know if I can remember all that.
Nimoy Spock: Just be yourself, you'll do fine.
Enterprise Pipeworks
Kirk: Wow. We made it Scotty! Scotty...
[Scotty materialized in water pipe, and Kirk runs after him Benny Hill style]
Kirk: Uh oh, looks like Scotty is heading for the Kill-o-Matic water mixer! Good thing there's that 6ft safety hatch right in front of it.
Scotty: [SPLAT] Hoo! That was fun!
Kirk: You are so on this crew!
Shiny Enterprise Bridge
Crewman: Captain Sylar Spock! Looks like there has been an unauthorized life-saving event!
Sylar Spock: Let me see the video feed. [Sees Kirk] THAT HAXX0R!
Pipeworks
Kirk: It's the cops! Cheese it!
[Benny Hill chase through
Shiny Enterprise Bridge
Kirk (aside): Now remember Scotty, when we get to the bridge...
Scotty: I don't say a thing.
Kirk: Because...
Scotty: I'll steal the scene.
Kirk: That's right. The movie features me and Spock. Please don't forget that.
Sylar Spock: How did you get aboard this ship?
Kirk: Can't say.
Sylar Spock: I so want your brain.
Kirk: Well... You can't!
Sylar Spock: Eh. I'll get by.
Kirk: You do know your planet is dead. [LENS FLARE]
Sylar Spock: But I managed to save the council, and they have everything backed up in their brains.
Kirk: But thousands of people are dead now! [LENS FLARE]
Sylar Spock: We'll rebuild.
Kirk: Your MOTHER is dead. [LENS FLARE]
Sylar Spock: ...
Kirk: YOU NEVER LOVED HER! [LENS FLARE]
Sylar Spock: I KEEL YOU!
[Smack down ensues with plenty of lens flares. Sylar Spock has Kirk in choke hold and is ready to raise his finger and remove Kirk's brain.]
Sarek: SPOCK! Don't kill the plot! This is the best movie the series has had in fifteen years! WE NEED HIM!
[Kirk proceeds to cough up a lung as Spock comes to his senses]
Sylar Spock: Ok, I'll step down. [Spock leaves]
Crewman: Great, we're boned. No Captain, no 1st officer...
Sulu: Actually, Pike made Kirk the 1st officer right before we left for the drill platform.
Crewman: WTF? Why didn't former-Captain Spock say anything?
Kirk: Whatever. I'm in the chair now. Set course for the Tumbleweed vessel!
Chekov: Ceptan! Hi no hew ve kin mek teh sheep inwizible to deetekscion!
Kirk: How does that help?
Chekov: Ayside from eh weely kool ehffect? Nwot a hole lot, seens Skottee ees going too beem hue deerectlee too teh men breej end blo ul tak-ti-cal edventedge.
Kirk: Scotty, is this true?
Scotty: Sorry sir, I barely understood what he said. But if he implied that you are going to be sent to the bridge, he couldn't be more wrong, because you're going to the cargo bay. The only thing that you should find when you beam aboard are lens flares.
Kirk: K. Let's go, Spock!
[Spock and Ohura lip-lock]
[Uncomfortable Silence]
Spock: Love you, babe.
Kirk: OK, WTF?!?
Scotty: Energizing!
[Kirk & Sylar Spock land in the middle of the most populated place of the Tumbleweed Ship.]
Kirk & Sylar Spock: Oh. Snap.
[Gunfire & lens flares ensue as Kirk and Spock try to find cover.]
Sylar Spock: Imma gonna eat his brain Vulcan-style!
Kirk: [Shudder]
Sylar Spock: What? It's not like I ever gave you a mind meld.
Kirk: [Whistles innocently]
Red Matter/ Black Hole creating ship
Computer: Wazzup Nimoy Spock?
Sylar Spock: Huh?
Kirk: [continues whistling innocently]
Sylar Spock: Kirk?
Kirk: Oh, the plan? Yes, the plan. Well, I figured you could fly this crazy ship that thinks it's from the future, was built on a planet that you saw destroyed right in front of your own eyes, and for some odd reason can recognize your face and voice, while I go off and rescue Captain Pike! Sound good?
Sylar Spock: Jerk!
Kirk: Kirk. We're gonna be great friends!
[Spock flies off in the ship that fits like a glove, blows the drill in half, and accidentally destroys the Golden Gate bridge in the process]
Nero: KIRK!
Kirk: No, it's... Hey! You got it right! Usually I have to correct people. How'd you know?
Nero: History books.
Kirk: Wha?
Nero: I KEEL YOU!
[Nero knocks the wind out of Kirk]
Kirk: Uh. Nero? Could use a
Nero: Lackey, you take care of this? Gotta take care of that ship buzzing around like a mosquito.
Lackey: Oh sure. I'll just strangle you to death, Kirk, before I drop you into your grave! MUH AH HA HA!
Kirk: Not if I kill you first! With your own gun!
[Lackey falls to his grave and drops Kirk in the process. Kirk saves himself by getting into Cliffhanging scene #3]
Kirk: Gotta quit hanging around and go find the Captain!
USS Spock's Ship
Computer: Spock, you are going to crash!
Sylar Spock: I know.
Computer: You're going to die!
Sylar Spock: The possibility exists.
Computer: You know something I don't?
Tumbleweed Ship
Nero: Shoot that ship that's going to crash into us!
Crewperson: But that will kill us.
Nero: Oh yeah. Don't shoot him!
Crewperson: But then he'll crash into us and that will kill us.
Nero: Oh yeah. But we'll take Spock down with us! FIRE!
Crewperson: Can anyone else hear fiddle music playing?
Tumbleweed Ship, place where Pike is being held
Kirk: Found you!
Pike: Why are you here?
Kirk:[Aghast] Why, Following orders Captain. Like a good officer.
Pike: You are such a bad liar.
Kirk [into comm]: Get us out of here Scotty!
Enterprise transporter room
Scotty: Three people, two spots, one pad! I rock!
Kirk: Wonderful. You can blog about it after we get out of here.
Scotty: Hey!
Shiny Enterprise Bridge
[Kirk and Spock get there just in time to see a huge black hole open up right in the middle of the Tumbleweed Ship]
Kirk: Hey Tumbleweed ship! You need help?
Sylar Spock: What are you doing?
Kirk: Figured we could be nice.
Sylar Spock: Why?
Kirk: Point. So, Tumbleweed ship? Need help?
Nero: I'd rather die.
Kirk: Can do! FIRE!
[BOOM! BOOM! LENS FLARE! KABOOM!]
Kirk: w00t! Let's go home!
[Ship turns around, but does not move due to massive black hole behind them.]
Kirk: Sulu, did you leave the parking brake on?
Sulu: [Glare of death]
Kirk: Scotty, more power!
Scotty: I'm givin' her all she's got!
Audience: ... (NO CROWD REACTION AT ALL AT THE VIEWING I WENT TO. I felt so nerdy, and alone in said nerdiness.)
Kirk: ANYTHING!
Scotty: Maybe we can throw out the engine!
[Walls start to crack}
Me: ZOMG! Whatever happened to the camera shake boogie?
[Viewscreen cracks]
Kirk: SOUNDS GOOD! DO IT!
[Plan works because Scotty is awesome]
Starfleet Academy
Principal of Starfleet: James Tiberius Kirk, because you acted like a total jerk, cheated on a no-win test, and nearly destroyed a brand new starship, thus saving everyone on earth and resurrected a dead franchise, we give you this medal and command of the Enterprise, even though you've only completed three years of the officer training.
Kirk: Told ya!
Pike: Wonderful, get out of here already.
Random Shuttlebay, Starfleet Headquarters
Sylar Spock: Do I know you?
Nimoy Spock: Sort of.
Sylar Spock: I should go home.
Nimoy Spock: Define home.
Sylar Spock: Touché.
Nimoy Spock: Don't worry about it. Besides, I found a nice place in Southern Alberta where we can set up shop.
Sylar Spock: No kidding!
Nimoy Spock: Good luck with the new universe, and don't worry about the continuity thing. On that note, kudos for getting to first base with Ohura before Kirk!
Sylar Spock: So, we can do whatever we want now?
Nimoy Spock: Yup.
Sylar Spock: Cool! Got a ship to catch!
THE END
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