With the Christmas season comes the idea of peace on earth and good will towards men. Such is the same thing in our household, expect when we have the dinner table battle to get food in! I suppose I'll never understand my daughter, but it's best to keep trying, that way when she tries to understand me, we might have some regions of understanding overlapping. I'm quite sure we won't understand everything, but if we connect in some way, that would help.
The other night, we also went sledding at the baseball park behind Millbourne Mall. I much prefer the hill at Millwoods Park, west of Millwoods Town Center, since it is much bigger, steeper, and it also much, MUCH more well lit. We were relying on the light from the parking lot to keep ourselves from walking over the crest of the hill. Oddly enough, Rini did that anyway, and seemed to enjoy falling on her butt more than taking her sled down the hill!
Tomorrow night we are going to meet up with the ward at Millwoods Park for a tobogganing party. Should be good! I just hope that Rini will revert back to her sled, rather than opting for sliding down on her snowpants covered behind.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
IT'S ALIVE! And dead.
I'm sure quite a few people have heard about the great tragedy that
beset me recently. I thought it would be a great gag to drop my coat
instead of hanging it up, and it wasn't that big of a joke. To add
insult to injury, there was a pen in the breast pocket, where iPaq
was, and the fall applied just the right amount of pressure to crack
the screen. Needless to say I was not happy to find a white screen
puncuated with black snowflakes along the cracks. It was truly a sad
sight.
beset me recently. I thought it would be a great gag to drop my coat
instead of hanging it up, and it wasn't that big of a joke. To add
insult to injury, there was a pen in the breast pocket, where iPaq
was, and the fall applied just the right amount of pressure to crack
the screen. Needless to say I was not happy to find a white screen
puncuated with black snowflakes along the cracks. It was truly a sad
sight.
Usually when a touch screen cracks, that's the end of it. The cost to
replace the touch screen is on par with replacing the unit itself,
especially since my PDA is an iPaq 3950 running Windows Mobile 2003.
Quaint, I know, but it works, or rather did until I broke the screen.
But my beloved wife put two and two together and fixed it. Yes, SHE
fixed it. About a year and a half ago, I had another iPaq 3950 which
was giving me grief. One day, the touch screen just stopped
responding. I couldn't figure out why, but it did. I purchased a set
of hex screwdrivers, took it apart, and attempted to fix it. My
efforts ended up bricking the unit, and I just gave it to my daughter
to play with. A few weeks later, a replacement arrived, and all was
well, until I cracked the screen a couple of weeks ago. Caitlin had
the notion that if the other unit was the exact same, and the screen
was still intact, there was no reason why she shouldn't be able to
switch out the screens. So, she got the bricked unit, the damaged
unit, and the hex screwdrivers and went to work. Twenty minutes
later, iPaq was up and running again! I did not give her any
direction, nor did I supervise her because we were entertaining guests
at the time. I have to admit, seeing my wife sucessfully repair a PDA
was entertainment enough for me!
The only problem with the restored iPaq, was that all information that
was on the main memory previously was lost. All programs, all files,
aside from basic Windows OS files and programs were gone.
Not really a big deal. I had to do some online research to find the
drivers and programs that I used previously, but they were pretty easy
to find. YanCEyware, TCPMP, and the foldable keyboard driver were the
easiest to find. Another program I tried to find was pPod. That was
a fun emulator that turned iPaq into an iPod. Second Generation UI
but it was really cool. Instead, I found PocketMusic, and that has a
bit of an iTouch feel to it. Quite snazzy!
But the tricky one was for my Wifi card. Turned over some rocks here
and there, and I finally found it, and it's working brilliantly! I am
very impressed with how well the keyboard responds, and I think that
is in large part because of the available memory on the unit now.
It's not bogged down with a bunch on GPS maps that I never use. In
fact I never used the GPS maps since I didn't have a receiver!
Whoo! Ok, that's enough tech talk.
I'm relieved, yet a little broke up that the play is over now. Feels
like we just opened, and then it's done. Well, I'm not that far off,
because we only did two performances, the shortest run in any
performance I've participated in with the Beaumont Drama Society. We
usually do four performances, or three at the very least, but we only
did two this time around, which is a bit of a shame, because that
would be have been great to do again. Though I don't know how many
times I could have tolerated seeing Drew in drag. Twice was two times
too many.
I suppose I'll never know, but the two show we did were absolutely
great! I got a good crowd response for my choice of tunes on the
glockenspiel. I paid respect to the classics with redidtions of Swan
Lake, Beethoven's 5th, the Zelda overland theme, and I even hashed out
Final Fantasy. I could hear some pretty hearty cheering when I played
Zelda. :)
We will be starting up production again with Oscar come January, so
life will continue to be interesting.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Movies: Why Buy More?
I did a count of the movies we have in our library: 254. Then I counted all the TV series seasons we have: 21. Then the concert DVD we have: 4. To sum up, we own a lot of movies.
I just realized I didn't count the VHS tapes we have.
To add to the previous summary, we own a LOT of movies. But oddly enough, we have been holding back on purchases of late. We recently picked up a couple movies the other day as our early anniversary gifts to each other, and it was the first DVDs we had bought in months. We used to buy DVDs every couple of weeks, but we are getting better at saving money.
The primary reasons why we don't buy movies a lot now?
1) We now have a car. Those things can be quite the money pit.
2) We have a toddler. See reason #1
3) Lack of time. See reasons #1 and #2
You would think that with a car it would make for more time to spend at home, but quite the contrary. Now that we have a reliable source of transportation, we can get around quite well, and quite often, thereby cutting out the amount of time we spend watching movies.
Don't get me wrong, we have still bought movies since our daughter was born, but she's happy with watching about a dozen movies ad nauseum. 101 Dalmations is still one of her favourite movies. She's not much for Sleeping Beauty or any other typical Disney Princess stuff. She loves Pixar movies (that's my girl!) and The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything.
Some movies I like to own, but there are many I would prefer to watch but not pay exorbant amounts to have that priviledge. I have found that Anime titles are particularly bad about this. Oftimes, you can pay $40 for a disk with very poor English dubbing (Ολ'αυτα ειναι κινέζικα για'μενα) and then you have the subtitles. Blargh. If I can, I get anime from the library. Steamboy was a marvelous film, and I would watch it again. Purchase? No. Another Anime I really like is Ghost in the Shell. An amazing cyberpunk tale, but I would have to keep in locked up so my daughter doesn't pull it out instead of Kung Fu Panda. Best to spend money on diapers instead. For now.
And then of course we have the taboo subject of rips and torrents. I rip my own discs so they will play on my PDA. I also have a few torrents of shows that I can't find on DVD such as ReBoot. I have bought as many of the discs that I could find, but I'm a little leary of buying any discs online. Got burned by Future Shop, and I know that's a poor example. I've done some good eBay transactions , but sometimes you never know what might happen.
And we come again to the lack of time. We don't have any movies still sealed in plastic - anymore - but there are some discs that I have not had the time to sit down and watch. Goodness knows there is sufficient laundry folding to keep me going through the entire first season of Get Smart, which I bought sometime in February. And even though my daughter hasn't shown a huge interest in Fraggle Rock, I still think buying the first three seasons was a wise investment. Now I just need to convince myself that I got a good deal for the box set of the Extended Edition Peter Jackson LOTR trilogy, and my consumerism will be sated.
At least until Sep 29.
I just realized I didn't count the VHS tapes we have.
To add to the previous summary, we own a LOT of movies. But oddly enough, we have been holding back on purchases of late. We recently picked up a couple movies the other day as our early anniversary gifts to each other, and it was the first DVDs we had bought in months. We used to buy DVDs every couple of weeks, but we are getting better at saving money.
The primary reasons why we don't buy movies a lot now?
1) We now have a car. Those things can be quite the money pit.
2) We have a toddler. See reason #1
3) Lack of time. See reasons #1 and #2
You would think that with a car it would make for more time to spend at home, but quite the contrary. Now that we have a reliable source of transportation, we can get around quite well, and quite often, thereby cutting out the amount of time we spend watching movies.
Don't get me wrong, we have still bought movies since our daughter was born, but she's happy with watching about a dozen movies ad nauseum. 101 Dalmations is still one of her favourite movies. She's not much for Sleeping Beauty or any other typical Disney Princess stuff. She loves Pixar movies (that's my girl!) and The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything.
Some movies I like to own, but there are many I would prefer to watch but not pay exorbant amounts to have that priviledge. I have found that Anime titles are particularly bad about this. Oftimes, you can pay $40 for a disk with very poor English dubbing (Ολ'αυτα ειναι κινέζικα για'μενα) and then you have the subtitles. Blargh. If I can, I get anime from the library. Steamboy was a marvelous film, and I would watch it again. Purchase? No. Another Anime I really like is Ghost in the Shell. An amazing cyberpunk tale, but I would have to keep in locked up so my daughter doesn't pull it out instead of Kung Fu Panda. Best to spend money on diapers instead. For now.
And then of course we have the taboo subject of rips and torrents. I rip my own discs so they will play on my PDA. I also have a few torrents of shows that I can't find on DVD such as ReBoot. I have bought as many of the discs that I could find, but I'm a little leary of buying any discs online. Got burned by Future Shop, and I know that's a poor example. I've done some good eBay transactions , but sometimes you never know what might happen.
And we come again to the lack of time. We don't have any movies still sealed in plastic - anymore - but there are some discs that I have not had the time to sit down and watch. Goodness knows there is sufficient laundry folding to keep me going through the entire first season of Get Smart, which I bought sometime in February. And even though my daughter hasn't shown a huge interest in Fraggle Rock, I still think buying the first three seasons was a wise investment. Now I just need to convince myself that I got a good deal for the box set of the Extended Edition Peter Jackson LOTR trilogy, and my consumerism will be sated.
At least until Sep 29.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Quick two years
It's a little odd going to my Brother-in-law's missionary homecoming today. I know he's been gone for two years, and I've been writing him most every week. But it just seems a little odd that he's home. It's one of those things that you just never thought would come, yet you knew was on the horizon. Can't really compare that to anything else. I was going to compare it to the birth of my daughter, but that doesn't even come close!
The greatest irony, is that it was oddly similar to keeping a blog. Why? Because he only ever wrote back to me once. He did write a note to us embedded in a letter to his parents once, and it was a birthday greeting for my wife. But the last week he was in the mission field, he wrote specifically to me. It was short, but well meaning.
When we met him at the airport, he thanked me for continuing to write to him although he didn't write back much at all. I told him it was much like keeping a blog. I didn't mind.
His talk today was very good. I shouldn't really compare it to other homecoming talks, because I haven't heard that many. The bulk of the talk referred to what he learned on his mission, which boiled down to five things:
!) Be Patient... with the Lord
2)
3) Diligence - go at your own pace
4)
5) Solve your own problems
Ok. My memory is a little shoddy. I would have taken notes if my daughter wasn't crawling all over me during the meeting, and I didn't feel bad taking out my cell phone to take notes with. I suppose I could have asked someone for a pen and paper. Hindsight.
But the strongest bit that I liked from the talk was this: "A lot of returned missionaries say their mission was the best two years of their life. I would like to say my mission was the best two years FOR my life."
Then we had the pie night reception earlier this evening. Great success, but I can't help but think we should have done it on a later day. Why? Because all the pies were cooked yesterday, ON THE HOTTEST DAY OF THE YEAR! The thermometer outside read 38C at the hottest point. Not to shirk in duties, but the saying holds true: "If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen." That I did. I hid in the basement for most of the day, and also entertained my daughter in the cooler areas on the house for as long as her interest could hold.
I jokingly implied we should have another pie night on March 14, and my Mother-in-law seemed to be in full agreement. Hmmm. Maybe we won't have it on the same scale as we did tonight with 50 pies. Then again, it won't be 30C in March. We shall see.
The greatest irony, is that it was oddly similar to keeping a blog. Why? Because he only ever wrote back to me once. He did write a note to us embedded in a letter to his parents once, and it was a birthday greeting for my wife. But the last week he was in the mission field, he wrote specifically to me. It was short, but well meaning.
When we met him at the airport, he thanked me for continuing to write to him although he didn't write back much at all. I told him it was much like keeping a blog. I didn't mind.
His talk today was very good. I shouldn't really compare it to other homecoming talks, because I haven't heard that many. The bulk of the talk referred to what he learned on his mission, which boiled down to five things:
!) Be Patient... with the Lord
2)
3) Diligence - go at your own pace
4)
5) Solve your own problems
Ok. My memory is a little shoddy. I would have taken notes if my daughter wasn't crawling all over me during the meeting, and I didn't feel bad taking out my cell phone to take notes with. I suppose I could have asked someone for a pen and paper. Hindsight.
But the strongest bit that I liked from the talk was this: "A lot of returned missionaries say their mission was the best two years of their life. I would like to say my mission was the best two years FOR my life."
Then we had the pie night reception earlier this evening. Great success, but I can't help but think we should have done it on a later day. Why? Because all the pies were cooked yesterday, ON THE HOTTEST DAY OF THE YEAR! The thermometer outside read 38C at the hottest point. Not to shirk in duties, but the saying holds true: "If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen." That I did. I hid in the basement for most of the day, and also entertained my daughter in the cooler areas on the house for as long as her interest could hold.
I jokingly implied we should have another pie night on March 14, and my Mother-in-law seemed to be in full agreement. Hmmm. Maybe we won't have it on the same scale as we did tonight with 50 pies. Then again, it won't be 30C in March. We shall see.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Somethings are just better without kids
Last night, Caitlin and I went out for a "date," if you classify going to see a movie with seven other people without our daughter. Now that our little girl is over two years old, getting time to ourselves is getting harder and harder. Who knew that all those parenting books actually knew what they were talking about?
Nevertheless, I'll take date time where I can, and in this case we used up a bunch of little discounts we had tucked away for a night out. One of those things was the cereal box coupons we got back in February. We had the hope to use them last month, when they were good for adult admissions, but April turned out to be a super-nuts month. May rolls around, and they are only good for small popcorns. Now, I'm thinking that the value we have from that purchase was the cereal that came in the box, and may some firestarting tinder. Surprise, surprise, the location for the movie was decided to be Galaxy Cinemas, one of the cinemas accepting the coupons! Woot! Going to see a movie with seven other people suddenly seems like a brilliant idea as we administered popcorn for everyone. Well, we got four small bags of popcorn, and it was shared between three and a half couples. Still, popcorn adds to the movie experience, and today's small popcorn is the equivalent of a large popcorn about 10 years ago!
The other little bonus that we had on our side was the admission. Little did I know, Tuesday's at Galaxy Cinemas are $5. I had $5 in my wallet, but Caitlin did not. Rather, she had a $5 gift certificate that covered her admission! Surprise! Hee hee. I'm so glad I opted for $100 in movie gift certificates last year. Some of my co-workers at the time said I should have got Source by Circuit City cards or Canadian Tire, but I had an inkling that it would be best served - and enjoyed - at Cineplex.
Finally, the movie we went to see was STAR TREK! I went alone to see it opening weekend, because I was seriously afraid it was going to be like last year with The Dark Knight and I would have to wait until it came out on DVD to see it. Not so! I went by myself, and then told Caitlin and her mom everything about it, such to the point that they both wanted to see it, and thus this movie night was brought about.
When I saw Star Trek the first time, I didn't get the usual vibe of "This is a great movie, but it's a good thing Caitlin's not here. She would HATE it!" when I watch movies without my wife. She can appreciate a good film, but something ruin it for her. Language for one. I've learned to tune it out, but it annoys her. Idiocy is another, along with sexual themes. Training Day is a good example. I thought it was brilliant, great acting done by Denzel Washington, definitely worth the golden guy he won, and powerful portrayal done by Ethan Hawke. But the fact that it's done on the backdrop of nitty-gritty LA, pass. However, with Star Trek, I kept thinking that she would LOVE it! Such to the point that I wrote a comical abridgement which I posted earlier.
I was completely right, plus I now know what to get her for Christmas. She laughed at all the points I laughed, she cheered when the famous quips came up, and she agreed that Karl Urban did an excellent job as Bones.
It was nice to just sit back, relax, and not have to worry about Rini. Love that little girl, but a break is always welcome, and mommy certainly needed it.
Nevertheless, I'll take date time where I can, and in this case we used up a bunch of little discounts we had tucked away for a night out. One of those things was the cereal box coupons we got back in February. We had the hope to use them last month, when they were good for adult admissions, but April turned out to be a super-nuts month. May rolls around, and they are only good for small popcorns. Now, I'm thinking that the value we have from that purchase was the cereal that came in the box, and may some firestarting tinder. Surprise, surprise, the location for the movie was decided to be Galaxy Cinemas, one of the cinemas accepting the coupons! Woot! Going to see a movie with seven other people suddenly seems like a brilliant idea as we administered popcorn for everyone. Well, we got four small bags of popcorn, and it was shared between three and a half couples. Still, popcorn adds to the movie experience, and today's small popcorn is the equivalent of a large popcorn about 10 years ago!
The other little bonus that we had on our side was the admission. Little did I know, Tuesday's at Galaxy Cinemas are $5. I had $5 in my wallet, but Caitlin did not. Rather, she had a $5 gift certificate that covered her admission! Surprise! Hee hee. I'm so glad I opted for $100 in movie gift certificates last year. Some of my co-workers at the time said I should have got Source by Circuit City cards or Canadian Tire, but I had an inkling that it would be best served - and enjoyed - at Cineplex.
Finally, the movie we went to see was STAR TREK! I went alone to see it opening weekend, because I was seriously afraid it was going to be like last year with The Dark Knight and I would have to wait until it came out on DVD to see it. Not so! I went by myself, and then told Caitlin and her mom everything about it, such to the point that they both wanted to see it, and thus this movie night was brought about.
When I saw Star Trek the first time, I didn't get the usual vibe of "This is a great movie, but it's a good thing Caitlin's not here. She would HATE it!" when I watch movies without my wife. She can appreciate a good film, but something ruin it for her. Language for one. I've learned to tune it out, but it annoys her. Idiocy is another, along with sexual themes. Training Day is a good example. I thought it was brilliant, great acting done by Denzel Washington, definitely worth the golden guy he won, and powerful portrayal done by Ethan Hawke. But the fact that it's done on the backdrop of nitty-gritty LA, pass. However, with Star Trek, I kept thinking that she would LOVE it! Such to the point that I wrote a comical abridgement which I posted earlier.
I was completely right, plus I now know what to get her for Christmas. She laughed at all the points I laughed, she cheered when the famous quips came up, and she agreed that Karl Urban did an excellent job as Bones.
It was nice to just sit back, relax, and not have to worry about Rini. Love that little girl, but a break is always welcome, and mommy certainly needed it.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Star Trek: An Abridgment
Instead of a movie review, I decided to do a full out script done in the spirit of Movies in fifteen minutes. It covers everything in the movie, so there are spoilers galore. I kept it as clean as I could, but I'd give it a PG rating for language and some innuendo.
Please note there are other parodies online, but I wrote this one as an homage to Miss Cleolinda. Please also note the other scripts are much more liberal with their language than I.
For everyone reading this on Facebook, the blog posting has some links that make it easier to understand.
Somewhere in space aboard the USS Kelvin. Yeah, I never heard of it either
[Radio Conversation heard instead of the random screaming of the people running around like doomed passengers.]
Radio person 1: OMG! A lightning storm in space?
Radio person 2: Yah! At first we thought it was just lens flares, but then this huge thing is coming out of it and it's trying to kill us with guns, even though they could just ram us and they wouldn't even notice we're here because it's 100 times bigger than us!
USS Kelvin Bridge
Important looking person: Captain, our shields are down!
Captain Red Shirt: I kind of guessed that from the status update on our much cooler view screen than any of the other previous Star Trek ships, but thanks anyway!
[shots stop]
Big Tumbleweed ship: We request you send over your captain for tea and death, I mean, crumpets.
CRS: K.
[Lens flare]
ILP: Sir, I think it's a trap!
[Lens flare]
CRS: Maybe, but if I don't make it back, evacuate the ship. You're in charge 1st officer Kirk.
[Lens flare]
Trekkies/ers: KIRK?! That's not Chris Pine, maybe this is some kind of parallel dimension, or...
Normal people: Are you going to be like this throughout the whole movie?
Trekkies/ers who have been glued to the internet since there was a hint this movie was going to be made: Relax! He's Kirk's dad. He saves him, and he's only at the post for 12 minutes, because the Captain is going to come back and save the day.
Aboard Big Tumbleweed ship
[Captain Red Shirt is taken to their bridge amid lens flares.]
Kelvin officer monitoring the captain's every bodily function, except for what he's seeing and hearing: His heart rate is elevated. Must be reactions to the lens flares.
Trekkies/ers: VITALS?!? That is so crazy cool!
Normal people: Why didn't they just embed a video camera on him?
Trekkies/ers: BLASPHEMY!
Big Tumbleweed Ship Crewman: Hey, 'sup Captain from another ship? This is my Captain, he goes by Nero. My advice, don't tick him off. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.
CRS: He's calm right now? Oh boy...
Big Tumbleweed Ship Crewman shows CRS a hologram of a crazy ship: You've seen this ship?
CRS: Never seen that before.
Insane fans: Looks like something from Babylon 5. Kind of like how that big tumbleweed ship looks like a Shadow vessel.
Trekkies/ers: HERESY!
BTSC: How about Spock? You know him, right?
CRS: Uh... no?
BTSC: What's the stardate?
CRS: It's... today?
Nero sees this is getting nowhere and gives the captain the Red Shirt treatment.
Nero: STAB AT THEE!
Back aboard USS Kelvin
Med monitor: Captain is dead! New Captain Kirk, what do we do?
[Lens flare]
Captain Kirk: FIRE! Oh, and Everyone evacuate the ship!
[Lens flare]
Crewman: Don't you mean, “Abandon ship?”
Captain Kirk: HE SAID TO EVACUATE! SO EVACUATE! Especially my wife who is about to give birth to the main character.
Trekkies/ers: Wha? He's not...
Captain Kirk: No, I'm George.
Normal people: Just watch the movie please...
J.J. Abrams: Yes, I made it so that everyone would enjoy AND UNDERSTAND IT.
Shuttle pilot: Sir, we're waiting for you here with your wife.
George Kirk: No, I have to stay behind because these automatic computer functions don't work when the computer has been shot to pieces!
(Please note: I make light of this next bit, but I was bawling my eyes out)
George Kirk: Guns are down, shields are down, but everyone is away! Time for RAMMING SPEED!
[Baby cry over speakers]
Mrs. Kirk: It's a boy! We never thought of a name for the baby up until this point, so what should we name him? I know, we'll name him after your father!
George Kirk: Tiberius?!? Uh... no. Your dad's name is good.
Mrs. Kirk: Jim? Jim Kirk... K.
George Kirk: Love you-
BOOM! Ship explodes like a zit on a skinny teenager as the shuttle crafts zoom away, and the big scary ship does not bother giving chase.
CRAZY LENS FLARE OPENING SEQUENCE
IOWA – nowhere specifically, just IOWA
[Little bratty pre-teen zooms down some dust covered road in an impressive hard top convertible.]
Voice on 23rd Century Product Placement: Don't scratch my car, you little-
Brat: Whatever. [hangs up]
[Not only is there Product Placement in the 23rd Century, there is also still Beastie Boys, as demonstrated by Brat who cranks Sabotage as he careens down the road.]
Normal people: This is so much more awesome than the trailer!
[Lens flare filled car chase. Brat narrowly escapes death via dramatic cliffhanging scene #1.]
Robocop: What is your name?
Lens flare
Brat: James Tiberius Kirk!
Lens flare
Normal people: Weird. That was almost exactly like the trailer...
VULCAN – again, nowhere specifically, just VULCAN
[Vulcan kids brain up in computerized knowledge craters and spit out lots of math equations. Lessons end and bullying ensues.]
Vulcan bullies [deadpan]: Spock. We are going to get an emotional response from you, even though we have failed 34 times previously, because our logical minds are purer than yourmudblood half human mind.
Little Spock: ...
Vulcan Bullies: Maybe you just need a push in the right direction. [shoves Little Spock]
Little Spock: ...
Vulcan Bullies: Your mother's a whore.
Little Spock: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
[Lens flare]
Sarek: You need to control yourself more.
[Lens flare]
Little Spock: Why did you marryWinona Ryder mother?
Sarek:She's hot It was logical.
The Lens Flare – Hick Bar, Iowa
Kirk has grown into an arrogant jerk played for the rest of the movie by Chris Pine.
Hot Girl: Booze me.
Kirk: Booze me and have her pay for it.
Hot Girl: Jerk.
Kirk: My name's actually pronounced Kirk. Jim Kirk. What's your name?
[Lens flare]
Normal Person 1: Hey, this gives me an idea. Lens flare shots!
Normal Person 2: DUDE!
Hot girl: Ohura.
Kirk: That's it?
Hot Girl: Doesn't really matter, because I'm too smart for you, since I'm a xenolinguist, and you have no idea what that means.
[Lens flare]
NPs: SHOT!
Kirk: I know that means you're good with your tongue. [Wink]
Big Cadet: I'm gonna beat you down for getting overly friendly with that hot cadet!
Kirk: You and what army, cupcake?
Cupcake: Me and the three guys behind me!
Kirk: Only four? Not fair to you.
Lens flares for each punch landed NPs: SHOT!
[Officer whistles and gets everyone out so he and bloodied Kirk can have a sit down and drink the bar dry.]
Kirk: Who are you?
Pike: I'm Christopher Pike.
Kirk: I thought that was me.
Pike: PIKE! P. I. K. E.
Kirk: Oh, right. Refill please! My eyes still hurt from all those lens flares!
Pike: Anyway kid, you should really join Starfleet because we need more reckless jerks who like to get their butts handed to them and drink like fish, who at the same time have a genius mind. Kind of like your dad.
Kirk: Whatever.
Back on Vulcan
Little Spock has grown up to be Sylar and is standing before a council to see if he got into the Vulcan equivalent of MIT.
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
Council: You're super smart despite your disadvantage. We want you in our club.
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
Sylar Spock: Nice! Wait. What disadvantage?
Council: Your mom.
Sylar Spock: Live long and suck it! I'm going to Starfleet.
Shuttlecraft going to Starfleet Academy
Pike: So you decided to walk the four year walk?
Kirk: Three years.
[One smashed head later, to help the hangover, Kirk finds a seat with a logic puzzle seatbelt]
Kirk: Hey Cupcake!
Cupcake: [Grunt]
Crazy guy who kind of sounds like Deforrest Kelly, but is not: Don't touch me! I'm a doctor, not a piece of baggage! [Sits down beside Kirk]
Kirk: Hey.
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
Crazy: 'Hey,' yourself! We're going to die because we're going into space! I hate space! I hate flying! I'm going to puke on you!
Kirk: Umm... We're going to be working in space...
Crazy: I know. This is all I got though, because my ex-wife took everything but my bones. And booze. Drink?
Kirk: I like you, 'Bones.'
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
Three years later – IN SPACE
Tumbleweed ship crewman: Cap'n, it's been 25 years that we've been aimlessly plotting revenge. You sure this is the right place?
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
Nero: Remember that stabbity death 25 years ago?
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
Tumbleweed ship crewman: Shutting up.
[Babylon 5 inspired ship comes out of weird lightning storm. Lens Flare] SHOT!
Nero: There it is. Get it!
Trekkies/ers: WTF?
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
[Note: From this point forward, I will try not to mention lens flares as much. Just take a shot every other line. Very seriously, there are a LOT of lens flares in the movie.]
Starfleet Academy
Kirk: I'm taking the test again!
McCoy: What? Why?
Kirk: And you're going to be there with me!
McCoy: To watch you fail for the third time? This is screwy. Even for you!
Kirk: Well, off to study. [leaves]
McCoy: I wonder how many STDs he has at this point?
Seduction 369
Green skinned humanoid hottie: I think I love you.
Kirk: Cool!
GSHH: Jerk!
Kirk: No, it's Kirk.
[Footsteps]
GSHH: My roommate! I promised her no more guys. You gotta hide!
Kirk: WHAT?!? [Thump to the floor]
Ohura, GSHH's roomie: Found and translated a Klingon Transmission, because I'm super smart.
Trekkies/ers: Then how come she's so confused in Star Trek VI when they are trying to pose as a Klingon supply ship?
[Ohura strips down to skivvies for no apparent reason other than to get the nerds to shut up.]
Ohura: I hear heavy breathing.
GSHH: I think that's the fan boys watching the movie.
Ohura: No, it's coming from the floor behind your bed.
Kirk: HEY!
Ohura: GET OUT!
Kirk: I'll see you at the test!
Ohura: You're doing that again?
Kirk: You still haven't told me your name.
Ohura: You just don't give up, do you?
Kobe-ashi Maru test (aka the “j0 d34d f00” test)
Ohura: 'Captain,' we're going to frakking die.
McCoy: 'Captain,' this is stupid.
Kirk: Whatever. [pulls out apple, starts eating]
Helm: 'Captain,' Klingons are about to hand our collective butts to us.
Kirk: Cool. [munch munch]
Crewman: Aren't we going to do anything?
Kirk: Sorry, what?
[Simulation crashes as it tried to switch to the screen saver due to lack of input. Might have been running on Windows.]
[System restarts.]
Kirk: Kill 'em all! Rescue the ship! Booyeah!
Sylar Spock: WTF?!? I want his brain!
Starfleet disciplinary council held on account that Spock doesn't like to lose
Kirk: What did I do wrong?
Sylar Spock: You haxx0red my l33t code!
Kirk: Whatever.
Sylar Spock: You must face fear!
Kirk: Nuh-uh!
Sylar Spock: Yah-huh!
Kirk: Nuh-uh!
Sylar Spock: Yah-huh!
Kirk: Nuh-uh!
Sylar Spock: Yah-huh!
Council: OH CWAP! VUWCAN IS IN TWUBBLE! We are going to deploy all cadets to the field in the vain hope that we will be able to help them!
Sylar Spock: ... (inside: meep...)
[Sylar Spock and McCoy are assigned to the Enterprise, while Ohura is assigned on the USS Not-the-Enterprise, and Kirk is told to screw off because he is haxx0r.]
[Ohura corners Sylar Spock.]
Ohura: Put me on the Enterprise!
Sylar Spock: K.
[McCoy is about to ditch the main character and forever change the course of the movie and the franchise when he gets a change of heart and decides to help his buddy.]
McCoy: I'll help you out by giving an alien virus.
Kirk: I'm gonna die!
McCoy: You can thank me later.
[McCoy hauls the disoriented Kirk over to the Shuttle craft leaving for the Enterprise]
Shuttlecraft techie: It's haxx0r Kirk! He can't go.
McCoy: He's with me.
Shuttlecraft techie: Oh, okay.
Bridge of shiny new Enterprise
Pike: Course for Vulcan. Punch it!
Sulu: Aye. ... We're not moving...
Pike: Did you leave the parking brake on?
Sulu: Heh heh. No...
Sylar Spock: [asks the same question in techno jargon]
Sulu: Oh yeah. [Releases 'parking brake,' then goes to warp]
Pike: Comm?
Chekov: E-ess?
Pike: Tell the ship what's going on.
Chekov: U shoore eh-bout that, Cepten? U heve nicer woahce.
Pike: No, I like your funny accent.
[Chekov mangles the English, but manages to inform the crew that they are heading for a space lightning storm.]
Sick Bay
[Kirk hears mention of a Space Lightning storm.]
Kirk: SPACE LIGHTNING! DADDY!
McCoy: Oh, good. You're alive. Let me try tokill cure you.
Kirk: MY HANDS!
McCoy: I can fix that.
Kirk: MAH TONG!
McCoy: Dammit Jim, hold still! I'm just trying tokill help you!
[First of many Benny Hill-esque chases, as Kirk runs to find Ohura with McCoy following]
Kirk: Wemembew dat twansmissun u wuw tawking to ur woomate about when u wuw both in u undewaiw?
Ohura: Jerk!
Kirk: Ith Kuwk. Wath it Womuluns?
Ohura: Womu...
Kirk: Womuluns!
Ohura: Yes!
Kirk: CWAP!
[Kirk, McCoy, and Ohura all rush to the bridge in the spirit of Benny Hill]
Kirk: Captain Pike! We're going to die! Ohura, back me up!
Ohura: Um... Yeah, he's right.
Pike: Shields up! Red Alert! Cue the lens flares!
Orbit around Vulcan
[Looks like Sulu's whoops moment paid off, because every single ship that came before them has been blown to bits. Some chunkier than others.]
Kirk: That green girl I almost got with was on any one of these ships! Eh, whatever.
Space Tumbleweed ship
Crewman: Hey, look! How'd we miss that one?
Nero: I dunno. Blow it up. [Sees it's the Enterprise] WAIT! Hail them.
Crewman: Huh?
Nero: [Makes his stabbing staff give off a lens flare]
Crewman: YessirrightawaysirsorryIdoubtedyousirpleasedon'tkillmesir.
Pike: I'm Captain Christopher Pike of the...
Nero: 'Sup Chris? I'm Nero. Hey, could I talk with Spock?
Sylar Spock: Who are you?
Nero: I HATE YOU! Send your Captain over so I can keel him! I mean... negotiate. Civilly.
Pike: K.
Sylar Spock: Sir, I think this could be a trap.
Pike: Oh, ya think? I was going to bring chips and dip! Wait, no I wasn't. I need some fightin' folk. [Private Red shirt and Sulu volunteer] Good. Kirk, you're coming too.
Kirk: Whatever.
Pike: Spock, let's take a walk.
[Very un-Benny Hill-esque walk to the shuttle craft. This ship is really frakking big!]
Pike: Here's how we're going to do this. Sulu, Kirk, and Red Shirt are going to dive down to the drill that is making a huge hole in Vulcan, take it out of commission and then beam back to the ship. Please note that we won't have any contact because of the bad karma coming from the drill. And Spock, you're Captain.
Kirk: This sucks.
Sylar Spock: This is awesome!
Pike: And I'm promoting Kirk to 1st officer.
Kirk: Woot!
Sylar Spock: Say what?
Pike: I'm probably going to die, but try to rescue me so I don't.
[Sulu, Kirk, and Red Shirt do a crazy sky dive down to a WCB nightmare where Red Shirt offs himself, Sulu whips out a collapsible phallic symbol, and Kirk finds himself in cliffhanger scene #2, all done amoung enough lens flares to empty a gallon of schnapps playing 'Lens flare shots.']
[One attacker gets killed in a workplace accident by stepping over a 10 foot high flame, while the second attacker meets his death somewhere on the surface of Vulcan after Sulu stabs him. At this point, Kirk and Sulu realize Red Shirt had the blast charges they were going to use to neutralize the drill.]
Kirk: Let's use the guns our attackers left behind!
Sulu: Lock and load!
[After the transporter is brought online, the tech operating the transporter tells them to stand still, because in her training for operating the unit, they forgot to teach her basic physics.]
Sulu: Man, I could go for some White Castle right now.
Kirk: Just wait until we get back to the ship!
Sulu: I'll just be a minute!
Kirk: We are on the wrong planet, 10,000 feet above the surface of said wrong planet, and there is no fence to prevent you from falling to your death!
Sulu: [falls over edge of platform] WHITE CASTLE!
Kirk: I was afraid of that.
[Kirk jumps after Sulu and catches him mid-fall.]
Kirk: Pull my chute!
Sulu: You're not my type!
[Chute deploys, then rips out of the backpack.]
Kirk: We're all equipped with one-man chutes, aren't we.
Transporter tech: I can't lock on! Why won't they stay still? Can't they just stop falling at a constant rate of 9.81 m/s2?
Chekov: I kin du eet! Kompensete foor grevity oond thee eh-mount off tyme hi need tu run tu transportear room ehnd BEHM! They beck!
Sylar Spock: Beam me down to the surface so I can save the History of my people, andWinona Ryder my parents who are there as well, but that is mere coincidence. I am placing my life in danger because it is the logical thing to do in this situation.
Kirk: You have issues.
Sylar Spock: You would too if your homeworld was about to collapse in on itself.
Kirk: Touché.
Vulcan, or rather what's left of it
[Sylar finds the Elders in a prayer circle attempting to hold the planet together with the power of faith and lens flares.]
Sylar Spock: We need to get out of here because it's logical!
Elders: Can't argue with logic.
[A number of Vulcan Elders get crushed like ants underneath the stone statues that would dwarf anything found in the mines of Moria, including the Balrog.]
Sylar Spock: Ok, we should be safe on this collapsing precipice. Everyone stay absolutely still, and the Enterprise will beam us aboard.
Trekkies/ers: Oh, this is going to be cool. They're going to be transported right as the platform collapses, and you'll see their outlines hanging in midair.
Sylar Spock: [looks worried]
Trekkies/ers: Typical.
[Transporter fields start forming]
Trekkies/ers: Ha! See! They're going to be fine.
[Precipice collapses underneath Winona Ryder...]
Trekkies/ers: Here comes the outline-nick-of-time moment...
[and she drops to her death, since transporter beams cannot take surprises very well.]
Trekkies/ers: ...
Normal people: Finally, they shut up!
Trekkies/ers: meep...
Normal people: Spoke too soon.
Shiny bridge of the Enterprise
[Sylar Spock gets back to the bridge just in time to see his homeworld collapse in on itself and disappear.]
Trekkies/ers: But they're going to fix that, right?
[The planet disappears from EXISTENCE.]
Trekkies/ers: meep...
Sylar Spock: Looks like Nero and his Tumbleweed craft are heading to Earth. They'll do the same thing there. We need to regroup with the Fleet and prevent this calamity from happening.
Kirk: No. We need to chase down the Tumbleweed, save the captain, and blow up the Tumbleweed before it reaches Earth!
Sylar Spock: Nuh-uh.
Kirk: Yah-huh!
Sylar Spock: Nuh-uh.
Kirk: Yah-huh!
Sylar Spock: Nuh-uh.
Kirk: Yah-huh!
Sylar Spock: [Gives Kirk Vulcan neck pinch] Get him off the ship!
Trekkies/ers: Wha?
Tumbleweed Ship
Nero: Planet, wife, GONE! Give me codes so I can destroy your planet and you can feel my pain!
Pike: Um... no.
Nero: [gets out freaky black scorpion-looking thing] You're going to help usMr. Anderson Captain.
Ice crater,Hoth Delta Vega
Kirk: Where am I?
Ditch-annoying-people Pod computer: You are 14km from the middle of nowhere. Please wait here and freeze to death.
Kirk: Whatever.
[Kirk bundles up and heads off towards the middle of nowhere.]
Kirk, speaking into recorder: Kirk's log – Spock's a douche. Just makes me want to...
Noise off in distance: ROOOOAAARRR!
Kirk: That was a little too coincidental to be good.
[Huge creature heads at Kirk]
Kirk: ZOMGWTFBBQ!
[Huge creature almost catches Kirk, but is snatched up and eaten by a BIGGER monster]
Kirk: I think I'll keep with my brilliant strategy of running away really fast. Oh, hey! A cave!
[Creature chases Kirk into cave]
Kirk: No fair!
[Deus Ex Machina enters]
Deus Ex Machina person: FLAMING STICK!
Creature: Whatever. I know where you live now.
Deus Ex Machina person reveals himself to be Nimoy Spock.
Nimoy Spock: Hey buddy!
Kirk: Huh?
Nimoy Spock: It's me! Spock!
Kirk: But ... you hate me.
Nimoy Spock: Yeah, but I'm from the future.
Kirk: ... I don't get it.
Nimoy Spock: Screw it, I'll just do a mind meld.
Mind Meld Land
Nimoy Spock: I'm from the future where there's a star that's going to blow up and destroy Romulus, and I was going to use this really fast ship with Red Matter, and we were going to make the star collapse on itself and everything was going to be fine, but it wasn't, and Romulus got destroyed, and Nero is now an angsty SOB who blames me for failing in saving his world and his pregnant wife, and he plans to destroy all the planets in the Federation using the same stuff that I was going to save his planet with.
Back at the Ice Ranch
Kirk: WAAAAHHH! My planet just died, and I killed Nero's planet, and now he wants to kill my planet! Uh... Who am I?
Nimoy Spock: Just walk it off, you'll be fine.
Starpost - Middle of Nowhere
Scotty of the dead: You got pizza?
Nimoy Spock: Hey Scotty!
Scotty: Who the hell are you?
Nimoy: You got your crazy theories working?
Scotty: Just about, until I tried beaming Scott Bakula's dog to Mars. No one knows where, or if, that pup rematerialized actually.
Nimoy: Sucky. Anyway, this is the right way to do it.
Scotty: Are you sure this is the right thing to do?
Nimoy: Sure! You wrote it after all.
Scotty: I did? Hey, I guess I did! Now we can beam ourselves outta here!
Kirk: You coming Spock?
Nimoy Spock: I'm already there.
Kirk: Yes, and maybe you can talk some sense into yourself.
Nimoy Spock: No, besides, you are the one who controls what happens in this alternate universe. Have fun! Just remember that in order to become Captain, you need to prove to everyone that I'm unfit for command by making me fly into a rage.
Kirk: How?
Nimoy Spock: Prey upon the weak things in my psyche (like the fact that my home planet just got decimated) and shatter my logic filled state.
Kirk: I don't know if I can remember all that.
Nimoy Spock: Just be yourself, you'll do fine.
Enterprise Pipeworks
Kirk: Wow. We made it Scotty! Scotty...
[Scotty materialized in water pipe, and Kirk runs after him Benny Hill style]
Kirk: Uh oh, looks like Scotty is heading for the Kill-o-Matic water mixer! Good thing there's that 6ft safety hatch right in front of it.
Scotty: [SPLAT] Hoo! That was fun!
Kirk: You are so on this crew!
Shiny Enterprise Bridge
Crewman: Captain Sylar Spock! Looks like there has been an unauthorized life-saving event!
Sylar Spock: Let me see the video feed. [Sees Kirk] THAT HAXX0R!
Pipeworks
Kirk: It's the cops! Cheese it!
[Benny Hill chase throughthe Budweiser factory engineering, until 'Cupcake' and some red shirts corner Kirk and Scotty]
Shiny Enterprise Bridge
Kirk (aside): Now remember Scotty, when we get to the bridge...
Scotty: I don't say a thing.
Kirk: Because...
Scotty: I'll steal the scene.
Kirk: That's right. The movie features me and Spock. Please don't forget that.
Sylar Spock: How did you get aboard this ship?
Kirk: Can't say.
Sylar Spock: I so want your brain.
Kirk: Well... You can't!
Sylar Spock: Eh. I'll get by.
Kirk: You do know your planet is dead. [LENS FLARE]
Sylar Spock: But I managed to save the council, and they have everything backed up in their brains.
Kirk: But thousands of people are dead now! [LENS FLARE]
Sylar Spock: We'll rebuild.
Kirk: Your MOTHER is dead. [LENS FLARE]
Sylar Spock: ...
Kirk: YOU NEVER LOVED HER! [LENS FLARE]
Sylar Spock: I KEEL YOU!
[Smack down ensues with plenty of lens flares. Sylar Spock has Kirk in choke hold and is ready to raise his finger and remove Kirk's brain.]
Sarek: SPOCK! Don't kill the plot! This is the best movie the series has had in fifteen years! WE NEED HIM!
[Kirk proceeds to cough up a lung as Spock comes to his senses]
Sylar Spock: Ok, I'll step down. [Spock leaves]
Crewman: Great, we're boned. No Captain, no 1st officer...
Sulu: Actually, Pike made Kirk the 1st officer right before we left for the drill platform.
Crewman: WTF? Why didn't former-Captain Spock say anything?
Kirk: Whatever. I'm in the chair now. Set course for the Tumbleweed vessel!
Chekov: Ceptan! Hi no hew ve kin mek teh sheep inwizible to deetekscion!
Kirk: How does that help?
Chekov: Ayside from eh weely kool ehffect? Nwot a hole lot, seens Skottee ees going too beem hue deerectlee too teh men breej end blo ul tak-ti-cal edventedge.
Kirk: Scotty, is this true?
Scotty: Sorry sir, I barely understood what he said. But if he implied that you are going to be sent to the bridge, he couldn't be more wrong, because you're going to the cargo bay. The only thing that you should find when you beam aboard are lens flares.
Kirk: K. Let's go, Spock!
[Spock and Ohura lip-lock]
[Uncomfortable Silence]
Spock: Love you, babe.
Kirk: OK, WTF?!?
Scotty: Energizing!
[Kirk & Sylar Spock land in the middle of the most populated place of the Tumbleweed Ship.]
Kirk & Sylar Spock: Oh. Snap.
[Gunfire & lens flares ensue as Kirk and Spock try to find cover.]
Sylar Spock: Imma gonna eat his brain Vulcan-style!
Kirk: [Shudder]
Sylar Spock: What? It's not like I ever gave you a mind meld.
Kirk: [Whistles innocently]
Red Matter/ Black Hole creating ship
Computer: Wazzup Nimoy Spock?
Sylar Spock: Huh?
Kirk: [continues whistling innocently]
Sylar Spock: Kirk?
Kirk: Oh, the plan? Yes, the plan. Well, I figured you could fly this crazy ship that thinks it's from the future, was built on a planet that you saw destroyed right in front of your own eyes, and for some odd reason can recognize your face and voice, while I go off and rescue Captain Pike! Sound good?
Sylar Spock: Jerk!
Kirk: Kirk. We're gonna be great friends!
[Spock flies off in the ship that fits like a glove, blows the drill in half, and accidentally destroys the Golden Gate bridge in the process]
Nero: KIRK!
Kirk: No, it's... Hey! You got it right! Usually I have to correct people. How'd you know?
Nero: History books.
Kirk: Wha?
Nero: I KEEL YOU!
[Nero knocks the wind out of Kirk]
Kirk: Uh. Nero? Could use agun hand here?
Nero: Lackey, you take care of this? Gotta take care of that ship buzzing around like a mosquito.
Lackey: Oh sure. I'll just strangle you to death, Kirk, before I drop you into your grave! MUH AH HA HA!
Kirk: Not if I kill you first! With your own gun!
[Lackey falls to his grave and drops Kirk in the process. Kirk saves himself by getting into Cliffhanging scene #3]
Kirk: Gotta quit hanging around and go find the Captain!
USS Spock's Ship
Computer: Spock, you are going to crash!
Sylar Spock: I know.
Computer: You're going to die!
Sylar Spock: The possibility exists.
Computer: You know something I don't?
Tumbleweed Ship
Nero: Shoot that ship that's going to crash into us!
Crewperson: But that will kill us.
Nero: Oh yeah. Don't shoot him!
Crewperson: But then he'll crash into us and that will kill us.
Nero: Oh yeah. But we'll take Spock down with us! FIRE!
Crewperson: Can anyone else hear fiddle music playing?
Tumbleweed Ship, place where Pike is being held
Kirk: Found you!
Pike: Why are you here?
Kirk:[Aghast] Why, Following orders Captain. Like a good officer.
Pike: You are such a bad liar.
Kirk [into comm]: Get us out of here Scotty!
Enterprise transporter room
Scotty: Three people, two spots, one pad! I rock!
Kirk: Wonderful. You can blog about it after we get out of here.
Scotty: Hey!
Shiny Enterprise Bridge
[Kirk and Spock get there just in time to see a huge black hole open up right in the middle of the Tumbleweed Ship]
Kirk: Hey Tumbleweed ship! You need help?
Sylar Spock: What are you doing?
Kirk: Figured we could be nice.
Sylar Spock: Why?
Kirk: Point. So, Tumbleweed ship? Need help?
Nero: I'd rather die.
Kirk: Can do! FIRE!
[BOOM! BOOM! LENS FLARE! KABOOM!]
Kirk: w00t! Let's go home!
[Ship turns around, but does not move due to massive black hole behind them.]
Kirk: Sulu, did you leave the parking brake on?
Sulu: [Glare of death]
Kirk: Scotty, more power!
Scotty: I'm givin' her all she's got!
Audience: ... (NO CROWD REACTION AT ALL AT THE VIEWING I WENT TO. I felt so nerdy, and alone in said nerdiness.)
Kirk: ANYTHING!
Scotty: Maybe we can throw out the engine!
[Walls start to crack}
Me: ZOMG! Whatever happened to the camera shake boogie?
[Viewscreen cracks]
Kirk: SOUNDS GOOD! DO IT!
[Plan works because Scotty is awesome]
Starfleet Academy
Principal of Starfleet: James Tiberius Kirk, because you acted like a total jerk, cheated on a no-win test, and nearly destroyed a brand new starship, thus saving everyone on earth and resurrected a dead franchise, we give you this medal and command of the Enterprise, even though you've only completed three years of the officer training.
Kirk: Told ya!
Pike: Wonderful, get out of here already.
Random Shuttlebay, Starfleet Headquarters
Sylar Spock: Do I know you?
Nimoy Spock: Sort of.
Sylar Spock: I should go home.
Nimoy Spock: Define home.
Sylar Spock: Touché.
Nimoy Spock: Don't worry about it. Besides, I found a nice place in Southern Alberta where we can set up shop.
Sylar Spock: No kidding!
Nimoy Spock: Good luck with the new universe, and don't worry about the continuity thing. On that note, kudos for getting to first base with Ohura before Kirk!
Sylar Spock: So, we can do whatever we want now?
Nimoy Spock: Yup.
Sylar Spock: Cool! Got a ship to catch!
THE END
Please note there are other parodies online, but I wrote this one as an homage to Miss Cleolinda. Please also note the other scripts are much more liberal with their language than I.
For everyone reading this on Facebook, the blog posting has some links that make it easier to understand.
Somewhere in space aboard the USS Kelvin. Yeah, I never heard of it either
[Radio Conversation heard instead of the random screaming of the people running around like doomed passengers.]
Radio person 1: OMG! A lightning storm in space?
Radio person 2: Yah! At first we thought it was just lens flares, but then this huge thing is coming out of it and it's trying to kill us with guns, even though they could just ram us and they wouldn't even notice we're here because it's 100 times bigger than us!
USS Kelvin Bridge
Important looking person: Captain, our shields are down!
Captain Red Shirt: I kind of guessed that from the status update on our much cooler view screen than any of the other previous Star Trek ships, but thanks anyway!
[shots stop]
Big Tumbleweed ship: We request you send over your captain for tea and death, I mean, crumpets.
CRS: K.
[Lens flare]
ILP: Sir, I think it's a trap!
[Lens flare]
CRS: Maybe, but if I don't make it back, evacuate the ship. You're in charge 1st officer Kirk.
[Lens flare]
Trekkies/ers: KIRK?! That's not Chris Pine, maybe this is some kind of parallel dimension, or...
Normal people: Are you going to be like this throughout the whole movie?
Trekkies/ers who have been glued to the internet since there was a hint this movie was going to be made: Relax! He's Kirk's dad. He saves him, and he's only at the post for 12 minutes, because the Captain is going to come back and save the day.
Aboard Big Tumbleweed ship
[Captain Red Shirt is taken to their bridge amid lens flares.]
Kelvin officer monitoring the captain's every bodily function, except for what he's seeing and hearing: His heart rate is elevated. Must be reactions to the lens flares.
Trekkies/ers: VITALS?!? That is so crazy cool!
Normal people: Why didn't they just embed a video camera on him?
Trekkies/ers: BLASPHEMY!
Big Tumbleweed Ship Crewman: Hey, 'sup Captain from another ship? This is my Captain, he goes by Nero. My advice, don't tick him off. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.
CRS: He's calm right now? Oh boy...
Big Tumbleweed Ship Crewman shows CRS a hologram of a crazy ship: You've seen this ship?
CRS: Never seen that before.
Insane fans: Looks like something from Babylon 5. Kind of like how that big tumbleweed ship looks like a Shadow vessel.
Trekkies/ers: HERESY!
BTSC: How about Spock? You know him, right?
CRS: Uh... no?
BTSC: What's the stardate?
CRS: It's... today?
Nero sees this is getting nowhere and gives the captain the Red Shirt treatment.
Nero: STAB AT THEE!
Back aboard USS Kelvin
Med monitor: Captain is dead! New Captain Kirk, what do we do?
[Lens flare]
Captain Kirk: FIRE! Oh, and Everyone evacuate the ship!
[Lens flare]
Crewman: Don't you mean, “Abandon ship?”
Captain Kirk: HE SAID TO EVACUATE! SO EVACUATE! Especially my wife who is about to give birth to the main character.
Trekkies/ers: Wha? He's not...
Captain Kirk: No, I'm George.
Normal people: Just watch the movie please...
J.J. Abrams: Yes, I made it so that everyone would enjoy AND UNDERSTAND IT.
Shuttle pilot: Sir, we're waiting for you here with your wife.
George Kirk: No, I have to stay behind because these automatic computer functions don't work when the computer has been shot to pieces!
(Please note: I make light of this next bit, but I was bawling my eyes out)
George Kirk: Guns are down, shields are down, but everyone is away! Time for RAMMING SPEED!
[Baby cry over speakers]
Mrs. Kirk: It's a boy! We never thought of a name for the baby up until this point, so what should we name him? I know, we'll name him after your father!
George Kirk: Tiberius?!? Uh... no. Your dad's name is good.
Mrs. Kirk: Jim? Jim Kirk... K.
George Kirk: Love you-
BOOM! Ship explodes like a zit on a skinny teenager as the shuttle crafts zoom away, and the big scary ship does not bother giving chase.
CRAZY LENS FLARE OPENING SEQUENCE
IOWA – nowhere specifically, just IOWA
[Little bratty pre-teen zooms down some dust covered road in an impressive hard top convertible.]
Voice on 23rd Century Product Placement: Don't scratch my car, you little-
Brat: Whatever. [hangs up]
[Not only is there Product Placement in the 23rd Century, there is also still Beastie Boys, as demonstrated by Brat who cranks Sabotage as he careens down the road.]
Normal people: This is so much more awesome than the trailer!
[Lens flare filled car chase. Brat narrowly escapes death via dramatic cliffhanging scene #1.]
Robocop: What is your name?
Lens flare
Brat: James Tiberius Kirk!
Lens flare
Normal people: Weird. That was almost exactly like the trailer...
VULCAN – again, nowhere specifically, just VULCAN
[Vulcan kids brain up in computerized knowledge craters and spit out lots of math equations. Lessons end and bullying ensues.]
Vulcan bullies [deadpan]: Spock. We are going to get an emotional response from you, even though we have failed 34 times previously, because our logical minds are purer than your
Little Spock: ...
Vulcan Bullies: Maybe you just need a push in the right direction. [shoves Little Spock]
Little Spock: ...
Vulcan Bullies: Your mother's a whore.
Little Spock: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
[Lens flare]
Sarek: You need to control yourself more.
[Lens flare]
Little Spock: Why did you marry
Sarek:
The Lens Flare – Hick Bar, Iowa
Kirk has grown into an arrogant jerk played for the rest of the movie by Chris Pine.
Hot Girl: Booze me.
Kirk: Booze me and have her pay for it.
Hot Girl: Jerk.
Kirk: My name's actually pronounced Kirk. Jim Kirk. What's your name?
[Lens flare]
Normal Person 1: Hey, this gives me an idea. Lens flare shots!
Normal Person 2: DUDE!
Hot girl: Ohura.
Kirk: That's it?
Hot Girl: Doesn't really matter, because I'm too smart for you, since I'm a xenolinguist, and you have no idea what that means.
[Lens flare]
NPs: SHOT!
Kirk: I know that means you're good with your tongue. [Wink]
Big Cadet: I'm gonna beat you down for getting overly friendly with that hot cadet!
Kirk: You and what army, cupcake?
Cupcake: Me and the three guys behind me!
Kirk: Only four? Not fair to you.
Lens flares for each punch landed NPs: SHOT!
[Officer whistles and gets everyone out so he and bloodied Kirk can have a sit down and drink the bar dry.]
Kirk: Who are you?
Pike: I'm Christopher Pike.
Kirk: I thought that was me.
Pike: PIKE! P. I. K. E.
Kirk: Oh, right. Refill please! My eyes still hurt from all those lens flares!
Pike: Anyway kid, you should really join Starfleet because we need more reckless jerks who like to get their butts handed to them and drink like fish, who at the same time have a genius mind. Kind of like your dad.
Kirk: Whatever.
Back on Vulcan
Little Spock has grown up to be Sylar and is standing before a council to see if he got into the Vulcan equivalent of MIT.
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
Council: You're super smart despite your disadvantage. We want you in our club.
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
Sylar Spock: Nice! Wait. What disadvantage?
Council: Your mom.
Sylar Spock: Live long and suck it! I'm going to Starfleet.
Shuttlecraft going to Starfleet Academy
Pike: So you decided to walk the four year walk?
Kirk: Three years.
[One smashed head later, to help the hangover, Kirk finds a seat with a logic puzzle seatbelt]
Kirk: Hey Cupcake!
Cupcake: [Grunt]
Crazy guy who kind of sounds like Deforrest Kelly, but is not: Don't touch me! I'm a doctor, not a piece of baggage! [Sits down beside Kirk]
Kirk: Hey.
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
Crazy: 'Hey,' yourself! We're going to die because we're going into space! I hate space! I hate flying! I'm going to puke on you!
Kirk: Umm... We're going to be working in space...
Crazy: I know. This is all I got though, because my ex-wife took everything but my bones. And booze. Drink?
Kirk: I like you, 'Bones.'
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
Three years later – IN SPACE
Tumbleweed ship crewman: Cap'n, it's been 25 years that we've been aimlessly plotting revenge. You sure this is the right place?
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
Nero: Remember that stabbity death 25 years ago?
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
Tumbleweed ship crewman: Shutting up.
[Babylon 5 inspired ship comes out of weird lightning storm. Lens Flare] SHOT!
Nero: There it is. Get it!
Trekkies/ers: WTF?
[Lens Flare] SHOT!
[Note: From this point forward, I will try not to mention lens flares as much. Just take a shot every other line. Very seriously, there are a LOT of lens flares in the movie.]
Starfleet Academy
Kirk: I'm taking the test again!
McCoy: What? Why?
Kirk: And you're going to be there with me!
McCoy: To watch you fail for the third time? This is screwy. Even for you!
Kirk: Well, off to study. [leaves]
McCoy: I wonder how many STDs he has at this point?
Seduction 369
Green skinned humanoid hottie: I think I love you.
Kirk: Cool!
GSHH: Jerk!
Kirk: No, it's Kirk.
[Footsteps]
GSHH: My roommate! I promised her no more guys. You gotta hide!
Kirk: WHAT?!? [Thump to the floor]
Ohura, GSHH's roomie: Found and translated a Klingon Transmission, because I'm super smart.
Trekkies/ers: Then how come she's so confused in Star Trek VI when they are trying to pose as a Klingon supply ship?
[Ohura strips down to skivvies for no apparent reason other than to get the nerds to shut up.]
Ohura: I hear heavy breathing.
GSHH: I think that's the fan boys watching the movie.
Ohura: No, it's coming from the floor behind your bed.
Kirk: HEY!
Ohura: GET OUT!
Kirk: I'll see you at the test!
Ohura: You're doing that again?
Kirk: You still haven't told me your name.
Ohura: You just don't give up, do you?
Kobe-ashi Maru test (aka the “j0 d34d f00” test)
Ohura: 'Captain,' we're going to frakking die.
McCoy: 'Captain,' this is stupid.
Kirk: Whatever. [pulls out apple, starts eating]
Helm: 'Captain,' Klingons are about to hand our collective butts to us.
Kirk: Cool. [munch munch]
Crewman: Aren't we going to do anything?
Kirk: Sorry, what?
[Simulation crashes as it tried to switch to the screen saver due to lack of input. Might have been running on Windows.]
[System restarts.]
Kirk: Kill 'em all! Rescue the ship! Booyeah!
Sylar Spock: WTF?!? I want his brain!
Starfleet disciplinary council held on account that Spock doesn't like to lose
Kirk: What did I do wrong?
Sylar Spock: You haxx0red my l33t code!
Kirk: Whatever.
Sylar Spock: You must face fear!
Kirk: Nuh-uh!
Sylar Spock: Yah-huh!
Kirk: Nuh-uh!
Sylar Spock: Yah-huh!
Kirk: Nuh-uh!
Sylar Spock: Yah-huh!
Council: OH CWAP! VUWCAN IS IN TWUBBLE! We are going to deploy all cadets to the field in the vain hope that we will be able to help them!
Sylar Spock: ... (inside: meep...)
[Sylar Spock and McCoy are assigned to the Enterprise, while Ohura is assigned on the USS Not-the-Enterprise, and Kirk is told to screw off because he is haxx0r.]
[Ohura corners Sylar Spock.]
Ohura: Put me on the Enterprise!
Sylar Spock: K.
[McCoy is about to ditch the main character and forever change the course of the movie and the franchise when he gets a change of heart and decides to help his buddy.]
McCoy: I'll help you out by giving an alien virus.
Kirk: I'm gonna die!
McCoy: You can thank me later.
[McCoy hauls the disoriented Kirk over to the Shuttle craft leaving for the Enterprise]
Shuttlecraft techie: It's haxx0r Kirk! He can't go.
McCoy: He's with me.
Shuttlecraft techie: Oh, okay.
Bridge of shiny new Enterprise
Pike: Course for Vulcan. Punch it!
Sulu: Aye. ... We're not moving...
Pike: Did you leave the parking brake on?
Sulu: Heh heh. No...
Sylar Spock: [asks the same question in techno jargon]
Sulu: Oh yeah. [Releases 'parking brake,' then goes to warp]
Pike: Comm?
Chekov: E-ess?
Pike: Tell the ship what's going on.
Chekov: U shoore eh-bout that, Cepten? U heve nicer woahce.
Pike: No, I like your funny accent.
[Chekov mangles the English, but manages to inform the crew that they are heading for a space lightning storm.]
Sick Bay
[Kirk hears mention of a Space Lightning storm.]
Kirk: SPACE LIGHTNING! DADDY!
McCoy: Oh, good. You're alive. Let me try to
Kirk: MY HANDS!
McCoy: I can fix that.
Kirk: MAH TONG!
McCoy: Dammit Jim, hold still! I'm just trying to
[First of many Benny Hill-esque chases, as Kirk runs to find Ohura with McCoy following]
Kirk: Wemembew dat twansmissun u wuw tawking to ur woomate about when u wuw both in u undewaiw?
Ohura: Jerk!
Kirk: Ith Kuwk. Wath it Womuluns?
Ohura: Womu...
Kirk: Womuluns!
Ohura: Yes!
Kirk: CWAP!
[Kirk, McCoy, and Ohura all rush to the bridge in the spirit of Benny Hill]
Kirk: Captain Pike! We're going to die! Ohura, back me up!
Ohura: Um... Yeah, he's right.
Pike: Shields up! Red Alert! Cue the lens flares!
Orbit around Vulcan
[Looks like Sulu's whoops moment paid off, because every single ship that came before them has been blown to bits. Some chunkier than others.]
Kirk: That green girl I almost got with was on any one of these ships! Eh, whatever.
Space Tumbleweed ship
Crewman: Hey, look! How'd we miss that one?
Nero: I dunno. Blow it up. [Sees it's the Enterprise] WAIT! Hail them.
Crewman: Huh?
Nero: [Makes his stabbing staff give off a lens flare]
Crewman: YessirrightawaysirsorryIdoubtedyousirpleasedon'tkillmesir.
Pike: I'm Captain Christopher Pike of the...
Nero: 'Sup Chris? I'm Nero. Hey, could I talk with Spock?
Sylar Spock: Who are you?
Nero: I HATE YOU! Send your Captain over so I can keel him! I mean... negotiate. Civilly.
Pike: K.
Sylar Spock: Sir, I think this could be a trap.
Pike: Oh, ya think? I was going to bring chips and dip! Wait, no I wasn't. I need some fightin' folk. [Private Red shirt and Sulu volunteer] Good. Kirk, you're coming too.
Kirk: Whatever.
Pike: Spock, let's take a walk.
[Very un-Benny Hill-esque walk to the shuttle craft. This ship is really frakking big!]
Pike: Here's how we're going to do this. Sulu, Kirk, and Red Shirt are going to dive down to the drill that is making a huge hole in Vulcan, take it out of commission and then beam back to the ship. Please note that we won't have any contact because of the bad karma coming from the drill. And Spock, you're Captain.
Kirk: This sucks.
Sylar Spock: This is awesome!
Pike: And I'm promoting Kirk to 1st officer.
Kirk: Woot!
Sylar Spock: Say what?
Pike: I'm probably going to die, but try to rescue me so I don't.
[Sulu, Kirk, and Red Shirt do a crazy sky dive down to a WCB nightmare where Red Shirt offs himself, Sulu whips out a collapsible phallic symbol, and Kirk finds himself in cliffhanger scene #2, all done amoung enough lens flares to empty a gallon of schnapps playing 'Lens flare shots.']
[One attacker gets killed in a workplace accident by stepping over a 10 foot high flame, while the second attacker meets his death somewhere on the surface of Vulcan after Sulu stabs him. At this point, Kirk and Sulu realize Red Shirt had the blast charges they were going to use to neutralize the drill.]
Kirk: Let's use the guns our attackers left behind!
Sulu: Lock and load!
[After the transporter is brought online, the tech operating the transporter tells them to stand still, because in her training for operating the unit, they forgot to teach her basic physics.]
Sulu: Man, I could go for some White Castle right now.
Kirk: Just wait until we get back to the ship!
Sulu: I'll just be a minute!
Kirk: We are on the wrong planet, 10,000 feet above the surface of said wrong planet, and there is no fence to prevent you from falling to your death!
Sulu: [falls over edge of platform] WHITE CASTLE!
Kirk: I was afraid of that.
[Kirk jumps after Sulu and catches him mid-fall.]
Kirk: Pull my chute!
Sulu: You're not my type!
[Chute deploys, then rips out of the backpack.]
Kirk: We're all equipped with one-man chutes, aren't we.
Transporter tech: I can't lock on! Why won't they stay still? Can't they just stop falling at a constant rate of 9.81 m/s2?
Chekov: I kin du eet! Kompensete foor grevity oond thee eh-mount off tyme hi need tu run tu transportear room ehnd BEHM! They beck!
Sylar Spock: Beam me down to the surface so I can save the History of my people, and
Kirk: You have issues.
Sylar Spock: You would too if your homeworld was about to collapse in on itself.
Kirk: Touché.
Vulcan, or rather what's left of it
[Sylar finds the Elders in a prayer circle attempting to hold the planet together with the power of faith and lens flares.]
Sylar Spock: We need to get out of here because it's logical!
Elders: Can't argue with logic.
[A number of Vulcan Elders get crushed like ants underneath the stone statues that would dwarf anything found in the mines of Moria, including the Balrog.]
Sylar Spock: Ok, we should be safe on this collapsing precipice. Everyone stay absolutely still, and the Enterprise will beam us aboard.
Trekkies/ers: Oh, this is going to be cool. They're going to be transported right as the platform collapses, and you'll see their outlines hanging in midair.
Sylar Spock: [looks worried]
Trekkies/ers: Typical.
[Transporter fields start forming]
Trekkies/ers: Ha! See! They're going to be fine.
[Precipice collapses underneath Winona Ryder...]
Trekkies/ers: Here comes the outline-nick-of-time moment...
[and she drops to her death, since transporter beams cannot take surprises very well.]
Trekkies/ers: ...
Normal people: Finally, they shut up!
Trekkies/ers: meep...
Normal people: Spoke too soon.
Shiny bridge of the Enterprise
[Sylar Spock gets back to the bridge just in time to see his homeworld collapse in on itself and disappear.]
Trekkies/ers: But they're going to fix that, right?
[The planet disappears from EXISTENCE.]
Trekkies/ers: meep...
Sylar Spock: Looks like Nero and his Tumbleweed craft are heading to Earth. They'll do the same thing there. We need to regroup with the Fleet and prevent this calamity from happening.
Kirk: No. We need to chase down the Tumbleweed, save the captain, and blow up the Tumbleweed before it reaches Earth!
Sylar Spock: Nuh-uh.
Kirk: Yah-huh!
Sylar Spock: Nuh-uh.
Kirk: Yah-huh!
Sylar Spock: Nuh-uh.
Kirk: Yah-huh!
Sylar Spock: [Gives Kirk Vulcan neck pinch] Get him off the ship!
Trekkies/ers: Wha?
Tumbleweed Ship
Nero: Planet, wife, GONE! Give me codes so I can destroy your planet and you can feel my pain!
Pike: Um... no.
Nero: [gets out freaky black scorpion-looking thing] You're going to help us
Ice crater,
Kirk: Where am I?
Ditch-annoying-people Pod computer: You are 14km from the middle of nowhere. Please wait here and freeze to death.
Kirk: Whatever.
[Kirk bundles up and heads off towards the middle of nowhere.]
Kirk, speaking into recorder: Kirk's log – Spock's a douche. Just makes me want to...
Noise off in distance: ROOOOAAARRR!
Kirk: That was a little too coincidental to be good.
[Huge creature heads at Kirk]
Kirk: ZOMGWTFBBQ!
[Huge creature almost catches Kirk, but is snatched up and eaten by a BIGGER monster]
Kirk: I think I'll keep with my brilliant strategy of running away really fast. Oh, hey! A cave!
[Creature chases Kirk into cave]
Kirk: No fair!
[Deus Ex Machina enters]
Deus Ex Machina person: FLAMING STICK!
Creature: Whatever. I know where you live now.
Deus Ex Machina person reveals himself to be Nimoy Spock.
Nimoy Spock: Hey buddy!
Kirk: Huh?
Nimoy Spock: It's me! Spock!
Kirk: But ... you hate me.
Nimoy Spock: Yeah, but I'm from the future.
Kirk: ... I don't get it.
Nimoy Spock: Screw it, I'll just do a mind meld.
Mind Meld Land
Nimoy Spock: I'm from the future where there's a star that's going to blow up and destroy Romulus, and I was going to use this really fast ship with Red Matter, and we were going to make the star collapse on itself and everything was going to be fine, but it wasn't, and Romulus got destroyed, and Nero is now an angsty SOB who blames me for failing in saving his world and his pregnant wife, and he plans to destroy all the planets in the Federation using the same stuff that I was going to save his planet with.
Back at the Ice Ranch
Kirk: WAAAAHHH! My planet just died, and I killed Nero's planet, and now he wants to kill my planet! Uh... Who am I?
Nimoy Spock: Just walk it off, you'll be fine.
Starpost - Middle of Nowhere
Scotty of the dead: You got pizza?
Nimoy Spock: Hey Scotty!
Scotty: Who the hell are you?
Nimoy: You got your crazy theories working?
Scotty: Just about, until I tried beaming Scott Bakula's dog to Mars. No one knows where, or if, that pup rematerialized actually.
Nimoy: Sucky. Anyway, this is the right way to do it.
Scotty: Are you sure this is the right thing to do?
Nimoy: Sure! You wrote it after all.
Scotty: I did? Hey, I guess I did! Now we can beam ourselves outta here!
Kirk: You coming Spock?
Nimoy Spock: I'm already there.
Kirk: Yes, and maybe you can talk some sense into yourself.
Nimoy Spock: No, besides, you are the one who controls what happens in this alternate universe. Have fun! Just remember that in order to become Captain, you need to prove to everyone that I'm unfit for command by making me fly into a rage.
Kirk: How?
Nimoy Spock: Prey upon the weak things in my psyche (like the fact that my home planet just got decimated) and shatter my logic filled state.
Kirk: I don't know if I can remember all that.
Nimoy Spock: Just be yourself, you'll do fine.
Enterprise Pipeworks
Kirk: Wow. We made it Scotty! Scotty...
[Scotty materialized in water pipe, and Kirk runs after him Benny Hill style]
Kirk: Uh oh, looks like Scotty is heading for the Kill-o-Matic water mixer! Good thing there's that 6ft safety hatch right in front of it.
Scotty: [SPLAT] Hoo! That was fun!
Kirk: You are so on this crew!
Shiny Enterprise Bridge
Crewman: Captain Sylar Spock! Looks like there has been an unauthorized life-saving event!
Sylar Spock: Let me see the video feed. [Sees Kirk] THAT HAXX0R!
Pipeworks
Kirk: It's the cops! Cheese it!
[Benny Hill chase through
Shiny Enterprise Bridge
Kirk (aside): Now remember Scotty, when we get to the bridge...
Scotty: I don't say a thing.
Kirk: Because...
Scotty: I'll steal the scene.
Kirk: That's right. The movie features me and Spock. Please don't forget that.
Sylar Spock: How did you get aboard this ship?
Kirk: Can't say.
Sylar Spock: I so want your brain.
Kirk: Well... You can't!
Sylar Spock: Eh. I'll get by.
Kirk: You do know your planet is dead. [LENS FLARE]
Sylar Spock: But I managed to save the council, and they have everything backed up in their brains.
Kirk: But thousands of people are dead now! [LENS FLARE]
Sylar Spock: We'll rebuild.
Kirk: Your MOTHER is dead. [LENS FLARE]
Sylar Spock: ...
Kirk: YOU NEVER LOVED HER! [LENS FLARE]
Sylar Spock: I KEEL YOU!
[Smack down ensues with plenty of lens flares. Sylar Spock has Kirk in choke hold and is ready to raise his finger and remove Kirk's brain.]
Sarek: SPOCK! Don't kill the plot! This is the best movie the series has had in fifteen years! WE NEED HIM!
[Kirk proceeds to cough up a lung as Spock comes to his senses]
Sylar Spock: Ok, I'll step down. [Spock leaves]
Crewman: Great, we're boned. No Captain, no 1st officer...
Sulu: Actually, Pike made Kirk the 1st officer right before we left for the drill platform.
Crewman: WTF? Why didn't former-Captain Spock say anything?
Kirk: Whatever. I'm in the chair now. Set course for the Tumbleweed vessel!
Chekov: Ceptan! Hi no hew ve kin mek teh sheep inwizible to deetekscion!
Kirk: How does that help?
Chekov: Ayside from eh weely kool ehffect? Nwot a hole lot, seens Skottee ees going too beem hue deerectlee too teh men breej end blo ul tak-ti-cal edventedge.
Kirk: Scotty, is this true?
Scotty: Sorry sir, I barely understood what he said. But if he implied that you are going to be sent to the bridge, he couldn't be more wrong, because you're going to the cargo bay. The only thing that you should find when you beam aboard are lens flares.
Kirk: K. Let's go, Spock!
[Spock and Ohura lip-lock]
[Uncomfortable Silence]
Spock: Love you, babe.
Kirk: OK, WTF?!?
Scotty: Energizing!
[Kirk & Sylar Spock land in the middle of the most populated place of the Tumbleweed Ship.]
Kirk & Sylar Spock: Oh. Snap.
[Gunfire & lens flares ensue as Kirk and Spock try to find cover.]
Sylar Spock: Imma gonna eat his brain Vulcan-style!
Kirk: [Shudder]
Sylar Spock: What? It's not like I ever gave you a mind meld.
Kirk: [Whistles innocently]
Red Matter/ Black Hole creating ship
Computer: Wazzup Nimoy Spock?
Sylar Spock: Huh?
Kirk: [continues whistling innocently]
Sylar Spock: Kirk?
Kirk: Oh, the plan? Yes, the plan. Well, I figured you could fly this crazy ship that thinks it's from the future, was built on a planet that you saw destroyed right in front of your own eyes, and for some odd reason can recognize your face and voice, while I go off and rescue Captain Pike! Sound good?
Sylar Spock: Jerk!
Kirk: Kirk. We're gonna be great friends!
[Spock flies off in the ship that fits like a glove, blows the drill in half, and accidentally destroys the Golden Gate bridge in the process]
Nero: KIRK!
Kirk: No, it's... Hey! You got it right! Usually I have to correct people. How'd you know?
Nero: History books.
Kirk: Wha?
Nero: I KEEL YOU!
[Nero knocks the wind out of Kirk]
Kirk: Uh. Nero? Could use a
Nero: Lackey, you take care of this? Gotta take care of that ship buzzing around like a mosquito.
Lackey: Oh sure. I'll just strangle you to death, Kirk, before I drop you into your grave! MUH AH HA HA!
Kirk: Not if I kill you first! With your own gun!
[Lackey falls to his grave and drops Kirk in the process. Kirk saves himself by getting into Cliffhanging scene #3]
Kirk: Gotta quit hanging around and go find the Captain!
USS Spock's Ship
Computer: Spock, you are going to crash!
Sylar Spock: I know.
Computer: You're going to die!
Sylar Spock: The possibility exists.
Computer: You know something I don't?
Tumbleweed Ship
Nero: Shoot that ship that's going to crash into us!
Crewperson: But that will kill us.
Nero: Oh yeah. Don't shoot him!
Crewperson: But then he'll crash into us and that will kill us.
Nero: Oh yeah. But we'll take Spock down with us! FIRE!
Crewperson: Can anyone else hear fiddle music playing?
Tumbleweed Ship, place where Pike is being held
Kirk: Found you!
Pike: Why are you here?
Kirk:[Aghast] Why, Following orders Captain. Like a good officer.
Pike: You are such a bad liar.
Kirk [into comm]: Get us out of here Scotty!
Enterprise transporter room
Scotty: Three people, two spots, one pad! I rock!
Kirk: Wonderful. You can blog about it after we get out of here.
Scotty: Hey!
Shiny Enterprise Bridge
[Kirk and Spock get there just in time to see a huge black hole open up right in the middle of the Tumbleweed Ship]
Kirk: Hey Tumbleweed ship! You need help?
Sylar Spock: What are you doing?
Kirk: Figured we could be nice.
Sylar Spock: Why?
Kirk: Point. So, Tumbleweed ship? Need help?
Nero: I'd rather die.
Kirk: Can do! FIRE!
[BOOM! BOOM! LENS FLARE! KABOOM!]
Kirk: w00t! Let's go home!
[Ship turns around, but does not move due to massive black hole behind them.]
Kirk: Sulu, did you leave the parking brake on?
Sulu: [Glare of death]
Kirk: Scotty, more power!
Scotty: I'm givin' her all she's got!
Audience: ... (NO CROWD REACTION AT ALL AT THE VIEWING I WENT TO. I felt so nerdy, and alone in said nerdiness.)
Kirk: ANYTHING!
Scotty: Maybe we can throw out the engine!
[Walls start to crack}
Me: ZOMG! Whatever happened to the camera shake boogie?
[Viewscreen cracks]
Kirk: SOUNDS GOOD! DO IT!
[Plan works because Scotty is awesome]
Starfleet Academy
Principal of Starfleet: James Tiberius Kirk, because you acted like a total jerk, cheated on a no-win test, and nearly destroyed a brand new starship, thus saving everyone on earth and resurrected a dead franchise, we give you this medal and command of the Enterprise, even though you've only completed three years of the officer training.
Kirk: Told ya!
Pike: Wonderful, get out of here already.
Random Shuttlebay, Starfleet Headquarters
Sylar Spock: Do I know you?
Nimoy Spock: Sort of.
Sylar Spock: I should go home.
Nimoy Spock: Define home.
Sylar Spock: Touché.
Nimoy Spock: Don't worry about it. Besides, I found a nice place in Southern Alberta where we can set up shop.
Sylar Spock: No kidding!
Nimoy Spock: Good luck with the new universe, and don't worry about the continuity thing. On that note, kudos for getting to first base with Ohura before Kirk!
Sylar Spock: So, we can do whatever we want now?
Nimoy Spock: Yup.
Sylar Spock: Cool! Got a ship to catch!
THE END
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Don't take things for 'Granite'
I would like to say that Rini was very peaceful during both sessions of conference today, but I don't like lying. Though she is getting into the jive of what most people do at Conference. Sleep! She woke up 11:15am, because she didn't go to sleep until well after 10pm last night, and then she went down for a nap around 3pm. That's the beauty of watching conference at home! That would be nigh on impossible to do something like that at the chapel!
Back in the day, that was the only way to do it. Though I do remember when I was in singles ward, we would congregate at the Bishop's house for lunch in between sessions. Worked well because his home wasn't that far from the chapel.
Another thing I did today, which was moderately bad, was participate with the 'Twitter stake' while watching the second session today. It was quite the experience, and I know that I would never do it in church. I would never consider it at the priesthood session, but I was writing notes furiously. Of all the notes I took, there were a few that stuck out to me. Elder Uchtdorf's lightbulb story, and President Monson's talk on the three things to improve our spirituality. The biggest thing I have to improve on is scripture study.
It's not that I don't like to study the scriptures, I do. I have read the Book of Mormon countless times cover to cover, but I cannot say the same for the Bible. At this point in time, I dare say I have lost interest in reading the scriptures from beginning to end, and therefore take an approach of studying topics rather than reading straight. That being said, Elder Ucthdorf mentioned a story about Nehemiah that I had never heard. Perhaps I will start my scripture study with that.
One thing lead to another due to my Twittering during conference. Dory may be same and compact, but she does dissipate heat. I found that my lap was getting a bit warm, and I placed her on the granite slab which my in-laws have their wood stove resting on. The slab was about two inches thick, and Dory cooled down very quickly. This made me think of getting a smaller piece and making a lap desk. Wouldn't you know, my father-in-law had some scrap cuts just the right size! I'm using it right now, and Dory has barely heated up. Using marble would be ideal, but all the marble scraps that he has are really thick. This granite scrap is only 1/4" thick, so I can have it on my legs without crushing them.
Back in the day, that was the only way to do it. Though I do remember when I was in singles ward, we would congregate at the Bishop's house for lunch in between sessions. Worked well because his home wasn't that far from the chapel.
Another thing I did today, which was moderately bad, was participate with the 'Twitter stake' while watching the second session today. It was quite the experience, and I know that I would never do it in church. I would never consider it at the priesthood session, but I was writing notes furiously. Of all the notes I took, there were a few that stuck out to me. Elder Uchtdorf's lightbulb story, and President Monson's talk on the three things to improve our spirituality. The biggest thing I have to improve on is scripture study.
It's not that I don't like to study the scriptures, I do. I have read the Book of Mormon countless times cover to cover, but I cannot say the same for the Bible. At this point in time, I dare say I have lost interest in reading the scriptures from beginning to end, and therefore take an approach of studying topics rather than reading straight. That being said, Elder Ucthdorf mentioned a story about Nehemiah that I had never heard. Perhaps I will start my scripture study with that.
One thing lead to another due to my Twittering during conference. Dory may be same and compact, but she does dissipate heat. I found that my lap was getting a bit warm, and I placed her on the granite slab which my in-laws have their wood stove resting on. The slab was about two inches thick, and Dory cooled down very quickly. This made me think of getting a smaller piece and making a lap desk. Wouldn't you know, my father-in-law had some scrap cuts just the right size! I'm using it right now, and Dory has barely heated up. Using marble would be ideal, but all the marble scraps that he has are really thick. This granite scrap is only 1/4" thick, so I can have it on my legs without crushing them.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The not-so-Incredibles
All three of us were wearing our Incredibles shirts tonight, and at
first I thought it was quite appropo. We went and visited some
friends that we had not seen in a couple of months, and we had the
brilliant idea of getting them an entertainment unit. This unit was
being thrown out by another one of our friends, and we figured all
would work well.
first I thought it was quite appropo. We went and visited some
friends that we had not seen in a couple of months, and we had the
brilliant idea of getting them an entertainment unit. This unit was
being thrown out by another one of our friends, and we figured all
would work well.
Things were moving along swimmingly. The receivers had a van that we
could go and pick up the unit, and the givers had placed it outside on
their balcony, which was on the ground floor. Everything was coming
together.
Then we picked up the first piece, and I remembered why I was a little
hesitant about getting the unit. There were a few bugs, dead ones, on
the bottom of one of the pieces. I'm some were squashed, others
looked a little froze, but I couldn't tell if there were any eggs on
the unit. We wound up placing the lot by the nearby dumpster, and
resigned ourselves to the fact that we'll have to wait for garage sale
season. Or hunt on Kijiji.
Although I was feeling like a super hero at first, it didn't quite
finish off that way. Although I was careful to keep my left foot
under the seat. I learned the hard way that there is no clutch on an
automatic transmission vehicle. Stepping on the brake like you're
putting in the clutch tends to make the car go from 60 to zero real
quick!
Rini loves to play with other kids. After the not-so-successful trip,
we had a bit of a sit down and watched Rini and Tanner goof around.
Eventually they were just laughing back and forth, running around,
spinning around, and exibiting all the classic signs of sleep
drunkeness.
Sure enough, when we got her home, she just wanted to brush her teeth,
get into a sleeper, and go to bed. She is sleeping soundly now.
I need to be getting to bed too. Four shows in three days and the
first one in at 1pm tomorrow. Going to be a long day tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
All a twitter
To those who read this on the blog, you will notice that I have added
a new widget on the left. This is the outlet for my twitter feed.
I've noticed that I've been spending more time on Facebook as of late,
and Twitter is able to update to both the blog and to facebook. I've
been updating the twitter feed much more often.
a new widget on the left. This is the outlet for my twitter feed.
I've noticed that I've been spending more time on Facebook as of late,
and Twitter is able to update to both the blog and to facebook. I've
been updating the twitter feed much more often.
Then again, there's been some trouble with the wifi on iPaq, and I was
a bit against the idea of doing blog posts. Turns out all it needed
was a reboot, and it fired up like new.
Plus, over the past couple months, I have devoted quite a bit of time
to reading. I just recently finished, "Day of the Triffids." Super
creepy book. Highly recommended. It did take me quite a while to
read, and there was some parts that were quite long and not all that
interesting. The scary thing is that what survival is like! There is
a whole lot of time when the only thing you are concerned about is
staying alive. And what would happen if you were the last person left
on earth? It would get insanely quiet and lonely. I was especially
pleased with the ending, which I didn't entirely see coming.
After reading this, I wonder if I would be able to finish reading Lord
of the Rings. The biggest problem I had reading The Two Towers was
when I got to the second half which is JUST Frodo, Sam, and Golem. I
was bored to tears. I set it down, and that was about five years ago.
Rini is getting extrodinarily big. She's nearly 25 months old, and
she's nearly 92cm (3') tall! The other thing that shocks me every day
is how much more she is talking. We are much more vigilant about what
we watch on TV because she is picking up on everything.
Her favourite DVD was once her Ni hao Kai-Lan collection, but she's
started to branch out into the Pixar movies. She loved WallE to the
point that the DVD was scratched up really good, and I had to get it
resurfaced. She has figured out how to open up DVD cases, pop out
DVDs, and she also carries the discs properly with one finger through
the hole. But she still holds it like a plate every now and again.
The funny thing is that I don't feel like it's been a long time since
I've written anything, because I've been writing a letter to Tristan
every week for the past... Eight months. That has a good summary of
the week, yet I never post it on the blog, because for some odd reason
I think that there are somethings too personal to post on the blog.
Might also be the fact that I keep writing him all the Redneck jokes.
Don't know if Jeff Foxworthy would sue me for doing that.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Bloody good time
Not to be taken in the English sense, I could say that our FHE tonight was a bloody good time. Or a blood product good time. Doesn't quite sound the same does it? We went to the Canadian Blood Services clinic on the University campus, and it had been a couple months since I last donated, and close to eight months since I last donated plasma. It was a combination of blind ambition and stupidity that prevented me from donating for quite some time, because I had the goal to reach 50 donations by the time I was thirty. Well, I did it, but then my arms hurt so bad because I was picking up Rini after donations, and my blood vessels weren't healing properly. I didn't have a close up of what they looked like, but I will warrant a guess that the camera would have done a CGI zoom into my body had I been the star of an episode of House, just so you could see just how poorly my body was attempting to repair itself.
Rini had a bit of a time getting used to the fact that Mommy and Daddy were not going to be sitting with her the entire time, but she was fine after we changed her diaper. Funny how that works sometimes. That little girl is going to be two years old as of twenty minutes past noon tomorrow. I know that I want her to fifteen years older now so she can donate blood too, but I'll worry about that when the time comes around. For the moment, she loves the food and sitting in the comfy chairs! It was rather cute how she would sit in the chair beside me as I was finishing up with my phlebotomy.
Wasn't the most structured FHE, but we did open with a prayer, sort of. We said a prayer before we left for the clinic. Mind we didn't do any gospel lesson attached to blood donation. Although it is an act of service, since blood donation is strictly a voluntary basis. Literally giving of yourself so that others can live a healthy life. I would think that would be the best kind of service there is, and in order to participate in such service, you have to keep yourself in a state that qualifies you to donate. First, you have to be in good health. You can't donate if your blood is going to make the other person sick. Or dead. Too many white blood cells and antibodies can do that. Second, they have to be sure that you don't have any diseases that can be carried by blood such as STDs or malaria. That's not to say that you can't travel internationally, just be careful. You also have to have a healthy blood pressure, or else they are going to have to question the quality of the blood vessels.
Service would be the best kind of lesson to teach our children. Even if it's something as simple as getting a 16 gauge needle in your arm and staying still for half and hour. Less if you're donating blood.
Still can't believe that little girl is going to be two years old tomorrow! Fifteen years, and she'll be able to donate. Yeesh! I'll be forty-five! That's a bit of a start. And Caitlin and I would have just celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary!
I better start planning!
Rini had a bit of a time getting used to the fact that Mommy and Daddy were not going to be sitting with her the entire time, but she was fine after we changed her diaper. Funny how that works sometimes. That little girl is going to be two years old as of twenty minutes past noon tomorrow. I know that I want her to fifteen years older now so she can donate blood too, but I'll worry about that when the time comes around. For the moment, she loves the food and sitting in the comfy chairs! It was rather cute how she would sit in the chair beside me as I was finishing up with my phlebotomy.
Wasn't the most structured FHE, but we did open with a prayer, sort of. We said a prayer before we left for the clinic. Mind we didn't do any gospel lesson attached to blood donation. Although it is an act of service, since blood donation is strictly a voluntary basis. Literally giving of yourself so that others can live a healthy life. I would think that would be the best kind of service there is, and in order to participate in such service, you have to keep yourself in a state that qualifies you to donate. First, you have to be in good health. You can't donate if your blood is going to make the other person sick. Or dead. Too many white blood cells and antibodies can do that. Second, they have to be sure that you don't have any diseases that can be carried by blood such as STDs or malaria. That's not to say that you can't travel internationally, just be careful. You also have to have a healthy blood pressure, or else they are going to have to question the quality of the blood vessels.
Service would be the best kind of lesson to teach our children. Even if it's something as simple as getting a 16 gauge needle in your arm and staying still for half and hour. Less if you're donating blood.
Still can't believe that little girl is going to be two years old tomorrow! Fifteen years, and she'll be able to donate. Yeesh! I'll be forty-five! That's a bit of a start. And Caitlin and I would have just celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary!
I better start planning!
Monday, February 09, 2009
Behind Schedule
Yes, I know I said that we would have the comic up and running by now.
One little glitch came up. Web hosting. I couldn't decide whether I
want to have it hosted by Comic Genesis, try to do something
independent, or publish it under another blog. I'm leaning towards
the first, thinking about the second, and just put the third one in
there because I know that it's a viable option. Not the first, but
rather the last option.
One little glitch came up. Web hosting. I couldn't decide whether I
want to have it hosted by Comic Genesis, try to do something
independent, or publish it under another blog. I'm leaning towards
the first, thinking about the second, and just put the third one in
there because I know that it's a viable option. Not the first, but
rather the last option.
A friend of mine told to investigate htmlgoodies.com to get a bit more
prep in writing webpages, and I have yet to check it out. Funny, I
investigate all sorts of other weird things, like the fact there will
be a total solar eclipse on 21 Aug 2017 that will reach it's peak for
2m10s roughly where Missouri and Kentucy intersect, but I don't bother
checking out something that might be educational!
Rini is getting more and more articulate, and bigger too! We measured
her tonight, and she stands 89cm. For the metrically challenged, that
would be about half an inch under 3'. This little girl isn't so
little anymore! She's got height on both sides of her family, and
she'll need it if she wants to keep up with her cousins! I don't know
how tall Ben or Savanah are right now, and now that I think about it,
Savanah must be walking by now! This April trip is going to be quite
the eye opener!
Caitlin is thinking of going as Bigby and Snow White for CCE Expo, but
I'm still holding out for Bob and Dot. GAVIN BLAIR IS GOING TO BE
THERE! Maybe we could do the Reboot thing one day, and then do the
Fables thing the next. Last year we did Girl Genius the first day and
The Incredibles the next. Well, the later wasn't that hard to pull
off since we just wore black pants and our T-shirts. Still made us
stand out in Jennie Bradden's picture gallery.
The convention costumes are on the back burner right now, because
Caitlin is busy with articles for "The Emperor's New Clothes."
Curtain is going up in less than two months, so we need to hit the
grindstone hard in terms of logistical preparations. That reminds me,
we need to get a copy of the script and rehearsal schedule to Morgan.
I wonder if we would be able to lift Drew... Hmmm... That would be
AWESOME! I think this production is going to be all flavours of
awesomesauce. Hee hee.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Takes the mickey out of you
Rini had a touch of illness today. Caitlin was a little concerned
when she woke up late, because usually wakes her up a couple hours
after I leave.
when she woke up late, because usually wakes her up a couple hours
after I leave.
According to Caitlin, Rini was rather listless today. Twice she fell
asleep in her arms, and Rini went to sleep at 7:15p. Seeing that she
got up sometime around 11am, and she didn't nap much today, that
little girl had quite the recovery day today!
You would think that Caitlin and I would have used the free time to
ourselves to do something outlandish and crazy that we can't do when
she's awake! I got out the dictionaries.
Yeah, we live on the wild side. Crickey I'm old.
Comic update: We have three story comics and one sketch fully inked
and ready to go. The fourth story comic has been scripted and Caitlin
is working on the penciling right now. Right now. I'm typing and
she's drawing. It's an interesting combonation. Usually she's
reading and I'm writing.
Things balance quite well with me doing most of the writing, and
Caitlin doing the artwork. We both have ideas on what to do with the
characters, but we're just taking it a step at a time. We know the
stories that we want to cover in time, and they will be addressed.
But you can only fit so much into one comic, and we've found that less
is more when it comes to text.
The creative process leaves you a little drained though. After
plotting out the comics, I find that I'm almost at a loss on where to
go next. That being said, I don't think that we would have been able
to get as far as we have if I wasn't pushing Caitlin as hard as I
have. Mind, I also have to push myself, or else nothing gets done.
The secret of life. "Just keep swimming..."
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Unlike Hollywood, this really is coming soon
Caitlin is penciling out the first comic for our webcomic. We have
had to goal to get this underway for some time now, and last summer we
even had a good chunk of story written, and a number of strips planned
out. This came to a halt when a) we lost our internet connection, and
b) I lost the binder. We still have the original character sketches
that Caitlin drew up last year, and those have been very useful in the
planning. We still have the same ideas in mind, but we've decided to
start from a different point. Instead of starting right at the
beginning of the story, we're going to start a little ways in, and
then have flashbacks. We can make it just one image, or we can make a
series of strips out of it. The main thing is that we won't be stuck
in it, it will just be a side story to complement the main story.
had to goal to get this underway for some time now, and last summer we
even had a good chunk of story written, and a number of strips planned
out. This came to a halt when a) we lost our internet connection, and
b) I lost the binder. We still have the original character sketches
that Caitlin drew up last year, and those have been very useful in the
planning. We still have the same ideas in mind, but we've decided to
start from a different point. Instead of starting right at the
beginning of the story, we're going to start a little ways in, and
then have flashbacks. We can make it just one image, or we can make a
series of strips out of it. The main thing is that we won't be stuck
in it, it will just be a side story to complement the main story.
It makes sense to me.
I'm going to submit the comic to Comic Genesis as soon as Caitlin gets
it inked. I don't know how long the turn around time is for this, but
I'm thinking that sooner is better than later. Maybe I'm just eager
to start something new, or I'm just tired of thinking that 'someday'
we'll do this.
Caitlin and I thought that the best update schedule for the moment
would be sketch Mondays and canon Fridays. It moves it pretty slowly,
hence we are going to have to pack as much story as we can in each
one. I would prefer that the comic does the story telling rather than
having an illustration to complement a novel page. It works for some
people, and I'm not saying that it's bad. Who knows, maybe we'll try
it later. For now, we want it to be pretty straight up.
The other thing that we're trying to figure out is a name. We're
pretty certain but we'll be circulating some ideas to people.
Stay tuned for more details!
Oh and Rini is getting more and more defiant. We have to be a bit
more patient with her, but we've also discovered a few ways to get her
to eat healthy. First, don't give her snacks before meal times.
Second, if you don't want her to drink juice, don't drink it yourself.
We all need to drink more water, and if she sees you drinking water,
then she's fine with it. Especially if you drink it from a Nalgene
container. I have no idea why that works, but communal drinking seems
to be fine with her. I know I don't have meningitis, and neither does
she.
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